Posts Tagged ‘Roger Clemens’

Wow … all I can say is “Wow.”

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story — a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed – at least to some extent — it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to “clear his name” before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong…

Mindy McCready

Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use “alleged” because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them … oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes — even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person’s love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It’s one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it’s an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete … ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state…

I have never personally witnessed — forget me — the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye … ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don’t hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens’ downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet … I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he’s done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn’t been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on … so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law … hell … gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn’t …

… they will be said to have “Pulled a Clemens”

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

Osama Bin Clemens

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest…

– Go Figure …

*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the “Gate 21″ Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a “Farks”), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

Once again the sports world is abuzz about the start of spring training, and yet another Major League Baseball season. Baseball has a long list of issues on its plate as the season gets rolling along. All of the off-season chatter has centered on the problems arising from the Mitchell Report, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, Brian McNamee, Bob Uecker, Pedro Cerrano, Ebby “Nuke” LaLoosh, Rick Vaughn, and Crash Davis. Those last five names actually have nothing to do with the controversy swirling in baseball, but I threw them in just for the hell of it — after all, the more the merrier.

Anyway, I am sure that the powers that be in baseball simply cannot wait to get the 2008 season going so they can put all of this ugliness behind them — “move on” as it were. There are only 2 problems with this line of thinking:

1. The start of the 2008 season is not going to put the steroid issues that have been plastered all over the media for the last 6 months “behind” baseball, not even a little, and
2. Even if it did cause millions of otherwise reasonably informed Americans to suddenly forget about a story that has been covered with more nauseating detail and intensity than the war in Iraq, that forgetfulness would only be the result of the fact that increasingly fewer people in this country give two shits about Major League Baseball anymore anyway.

I think baseball has a very tough road ahead of it…

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With the exception of dropping a few links, I have remained quiet on the revelations and controversies surrounding baseball and the, now infamous, Mitchell Report. There are reasons for this. I am not a “true” baseball fan in the traditional sense — I don’t follow stats, rarely keep track of the rosters of the various teams, and I quickly grow weary of watching baseball on television. I have always been a much bigger fan of college and minor league baseball. While I do, generally, pull for the Braves, Indians, and Red Sox, I am hardly a follower of the game. Thus, I am less than informed as to the comings and goings in Major League Baseball. In addition to this, there is the Report itself — it is over 400 pages long, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to take the time to read the whole thing (although I did listen to part of it being read on XM Radio — sounded like stereo instructions).

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