Posts Tagged ‘Hateful Shit to Say on the Internet’

This Week’s Roundtable is hosted by: 3rd Saturday in Blogtober

This week marks the second edition of the 2009 version of the Big Orange Roundtable and is hosted by the guys over at 3SIB..

Week 2

1)  We will start with an easy one.  Last week, our beloved Rock was relocated across the street to make room for a new building on campus.  What are your thoughts on the Rock’s relocation?

HSH: Being a student, I actually have the slight advantage of seeing the change.  I drove by as the crane was lifting the behemoth out of the ground, and I’ve only seen it once since it’s been moved.  I have to say it’s going be to a little odd driving through the stoplight next to Stokely Athletic Center and the Thornton Athletic Student Center (where all the UT athletes get their school on), looking to my left and not seeing the Rock.  It might take a little bit of time to get used the change come the fall.

For me, it’s just another aspect of a common theme of my years here as a student.  Here’s what’s changed or been built since I came to Knoxville in the fall of 2006: all the recent renovations to Neyland Stadium, the makeover of Thompson-Boling Arena, Pratt Pavilion, a new soccer stadium, a new softball stadium, the brand new aquatic center.

And that’s just the changes on the athletics side of campus.  There’s also been the total change in the old Glocker Building, which has now become Haslam Business Building where all the business majors do their thing.  The Baker Policy Center was risen up on the corner of Cumberland Avenue and 17th Street, replacing the parking lot where my family parked for every game I came to up until I graduated from high school.  Those are two major projects, that I’ve seen started and completed in my days as a student.

Back to the Rock, my only contact with actually came before I was officially enrolled.  I had two of the more enthusiastic Orientation leaders, and late one night during the two-day event we got together and painted the thing.  I would have visual evidence to prove it, but my computer erased my hard drive awhile, thus I have nothing…

The Rock in its new Home

Lawvol: First of all, I am glad that the Rock did not unceremoniously disappear from campus as a result of the new Student Health Center that is being constructed.  The worst thing imaginable would have been for the university to simply blow the thing up or what have you and cart it off.  I realize the process of relocating the Rock was both onerous and expensive, but I have to give a little credit to university administration (a/k/a “The Big Orange Screw”) for making the right call and preserving this tradition for future generations.

All that said, the last time I painted the Rock was 1997.  I say “painted”—my involvement actually centered more on leaning up against the Rock in a near catatonic state as drool fell from my gaping mouth and I uttered various slurred obscenities at my cohorts.  You see, I was completely pissed drunk overcome by a multitude of circumstances at the time and my recollection of that particular evening of frivolity is fuzzy to say the least.  Still, the Rock does have a special place in my mind due to its tradition of announcing great events, lurid innuendo, and Gameday proclamations.  Considering it is directly across the street from where it used to be located, I doubt there will really be all that much difference.

Of course, I do wonder whether some students may be confused by the relocation—in particular, those suffering from the same … mental confusion … that afflicted me the last time I painted the Rock.  If so, the university may be faced with a long road of maintenance as the drunken masses repeatedly paint the front of the new Student Health Center.

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Rivalries are the essence of college football.

Rivalries — and I mean “real” rivalries, not just the “Oh, I really hope we beat Team X” sort of competition — are what drives so much of the passion that comes with college football season and what compels so many of us to travel great distances, expend huge sums of money, lose sleep, risk personal injury, get arrested for disorderly conduct, and the like for the sole purpose of seeing our team play against our fiercest rival. It is the fire-in-the-belly that keeps us coming back for more. It is a question of pride, of respect, of tradition, and (sometimes) insanity.

The funny thing about rivalries is that they are not always two-way streets. That is, just because Kentucky Wildcats fans feel in their heart that the New England Patriots are their most intense and hated rival, it doesn’t necessarily follow that the Patriots care about Kentucky at all (except to the extent that Bill Bellichick is willing to rent a helicopter and hire some off-duty FBI agents to tape the Kentucky practices, but that’s really nothing the slightest bit out of the ordinary).

My point is this: rivalries are special and they require … the only word I can think of is “maintenance.” As the old axiom goes, “there is a thin line between love and hate” — they are opposite ends of the same consuming emotion. In our “real” lives — independent of the sports world – strong relationships or aversions require something to keep them going. Anyone who is married (or perhaps used to be) knows this is true. By the same token, for most people, the same is true for hateful relationships (the exception to this being people like Adolph Hitler, members of the KKK, and the like – they simply enjoy hatred too much, which is why they have special condos reserved for them at the warmer end of Hell). For most of us, however, it is hard to continue truly despising someone, unless they give us a reason to do so. The fundamental point here is that, over time, both good and bad emotions cool and fade.

The same is true for college football rivalries. The peculiar thing is that, unlike personal relationships, a heaping helping of animus and acid can be a good thing when it comes to football. Thus, keeping the flames of animosity burning is very important. Thus, I pose a simple question:

What is the “state” of football rivalry at Tennessee?

As a general rule, I think that the core rivalries between Tennessee and others are healthy and hateful. Then again, precisely who is Tennessee’s biggest rival?

Throughout the history of the Tennessee Football program, rivalries have often been heated, but not always lasting. For orange-blooded fans who came of age at any time during the period spanning from the late 1950s up until the early 1990s, there really was little question about who the Vols’ most despised rival is and always will be. Falling within this era, it is easy for me to give rivalry a face…

I know the true colors of mine enemy, and he is as crimson as blood in the vein.

Yes, for me Tennessee’s greatest rival will always be the Alabama Crimson Tide — there is no other rivalry in my mind which even comes close. It is a rivalry which spans decades — beginning in the late 1930s and the era of General Neyland, flowing into the late 1950s and 60s and the emergence of the man known as “Bear,” and continuing up to the present. To me, the truest rivalry for Tennessee is its blood-feud with the Tide. The Tennessee / Alabama series is Dixie’s great football war. To me, the most important game of the season will always be known not by its participants, but by its date…

…The Third Saturday in October.

This is what I have always known, this is what resonates with me. For some followers of the Big Orange, however, the face of rivalry takes on a decidedly different hue. Most notably, Vol fans who cemented their bonds in the 1990s — in many instances — consider not the Tide, but the Florida Gators to be the most fearsome rivalry for Tennessee. Given the course of SEC football history for the last 15 years or so, this is understandable.

Still others — due to location, personal experience, perceived slights, the balance of power, where their ex-spouses went to school, how much they’ve had to drink, or whether it is a Tuesday — consider other teams to be Tennessee’s greatest rival, such as the Georgia Bulldogs or the Memphis Tigers (which I simply don’t get).

Thus, I suppose it is fair to ask who is Tennessee’s greatest rival?

If you look at rivalries in terms of tradition and history, I really think it is hard to argue with the notion that Tennessee and Alabama have fought one another doggedly for a longer period of time than any of the other schools in the SEC. My blood still simmers at the thought that Alabama is one of only a handful of schools against whom Tennessee has an all-time losing record. In 89 contests since 1901, Tennessee is 38-44-7 all-time against the Tide. Even more bothersome for me were the two noteworthy streaks by Alabama during my lifetime: 1971-1981 and 1986-94. During those 20 seasons, Tennessee’s record against the Tide was an abysmal 0-19-1.

Statistics like that make you wake up at 3:00 am and retch your guts out — therein lies the birth of rivalry.

Then, of course there are the Florida Gators. Surprisingly to some, Tennessee and Florida have only played 36 times in the schools’ collective histories. Tennessee clings to a lead in the series at 19-17-0. That statistic, however, is really a tale of two different eras. From 1916 until 1990, Tennessee was 14-6-0 versus the Gators, but from 1991 to the present, Tennessee is only 5-11-0. Those numbers speak volumes about the way that series has changed since the day a guy named Steve Spurrier walked into Gainesville and — for the first time in the history of the University of Florida — made the Gators respectable. From there it was a short way to making them winners. It is easy to understand why many modern fans of the Vols seethe with venom at the mention of the U of F.

Of course mere competition and loathing is not the only thing that goes into a rivalry — there are a lot of  other elements to a rivalry, including that little thing called “respect.” Even though I consider Alabama and Florida to be Tennessee’s two main rivals in the modern era, the “faces” of those rivalries in my eyes are decidedly different.

I hate to lose to Alabama. Hate it, hate it, hate it with a passion — with all that I am,  I hate to lose to those people.  Man, do I hate it!  I do not, however, hate Alabama — I respect them.  No, that does not mean I want Phil Fulmer to start emulating Nick Saban, or anything like that, but as a program — taking all of the history, tradition, fans, and other intangibles into account — I do respect the Crimson Tide. I have often described Tennessee’s rivalry with the Tide as a “classic” or “gentlemen’s” rivalry (and, no, that doesn’t mean that there are pole dancers involved). Speaking from my own experience, I would sum it up like this:

When it comes to the Tennessee / Alabama game, you pull like hell for your team in the stadium, and then you drink a beer with one another after it is over…

My point is that while the Vols and the Tide may declare war on the field — for me — it stays on the field. I can honestly say that any time Alabama is playing a non-conference opponent I pull for the Tide without reservation. The rivalry is one grounded in mutual respect (after all, I think Johnny Majors in his prime could drink just as much bourbon as the Bear — which is pretty cool, if you ask me). I know there are those who will disagree with me on this, but that’s what the rivalry “feels” like to me.

When it comes to Florida, on the other hand, I cannot stand one single thing about that school, and having attended games in Gainesville on multiple occasions, I can honestly say that I’d rather have my intestines removed through my nose … with a spoon … than go back. That would be true regardless of whether Tennessee won the game or not. I am not going to use this article as a flame-fest and just talk about how much I hate Florida, and I’m trying very hard not to let my personal thoughts and bad experiences seep into this too much — there’s no point or value in that. Thus, in the interest of avoiding a slanging match, I will use an example.

As many Tennessee fans can doubtless recall, on several occasions there have been instances where, Florida winning against another team (most notably Georgia) would help Tennessee in terms of the Vols’ ranking in the SEC East.  I remember being asked at the time, whether I would pull for Florida if it would help the Vols. My response to that question is as simple as it is heartfelt:

I hate Florida more than I love the Vols…

I will never pull for Florida under any circumstance, no matter how much it might hurt the Vols. Suffice it to say, based on my personal experience I have no respect for the Gators. Not a drop.

That is but one more reason Alabama ranks first in my book…

Thus, the team which I rank as Tennessee’s greatest rival is not the team I hate most — which I suppose is inherently inconsistent. For me, however, a rivalry is something more than unabashed hatred — though it does go a long way toward starting a rivalry. Ultimately, I feel that a true rivalry requires more. For me, that will always mean Alabama. Quite frankly, I don’t think Florida is worth elevating to that status (yep, that one’s gonna get me some hate mail).

Of course, another thing that must be considered if assessing these rivalries is what the rival thinks of Tennessee. For any rivalry to be maintained, the feelings of animosity must be mutual. Let me give you an example.

The reality is that most fans of the Vanderbilt Commodores probably consider the Vols to be their biggest rival. Tennessee and Vanderbilt are only about 3 hours apart, and they both call the same state home. It is easy for Vanderbilt to hate Tennessee. If you ask the average Vol fan, however, it is doubtful that Vanderbilt is anywhere near the top of their list of Tennessee’s rivals in terms of significance. While Vol fans tend to take Vanderbilt more seriously than they used to since Vanderbilt’s 2005 victory against the Vols — snapping Tennessee’s 22-game win streak — with an overall series record of 68-27-5 in Tennessee’s favor, it is doubtful most orange-clad faithful truly despise Vanderbilt. Having been present at Vanderbilt’s 2005 win, there were more than a few Vol fans (already disgusted with Tennessee’s performance that year) who openly congratulated Vanderbilt, or — at a minimum — admitted that the ’Dores were due.

Still, it wasn’t always that way…

From 1892 until 1927, Vanderbilt dominated Tennessee, compiling a record of 18-2-3 against the hapless Vols. The rivalry between the two schools was so great that, in 1925, when it came time to hire a new football coach, Robert Neyland was told that the only requirement of his employment was that he beat Vanderbilt. Keen on maintaining his livelihood, Neyland completely reshaped the dynamic of the Tennessee / Vanderbilt rivalry. Under Neyland, Tennessee began establishing itself as a winning program and embarked on an 82 year stretch during which Vanderbilt would win a grand total of 9 games in 77 tries. With that change, the rivalry rapidly faded into memory — at least for Tennessee fans.

So do Alabama and Florida consider Tennessee to be a true rival?

While I am not going to purport to speak for the Tide or the Gators (and I freely invite any comments from those out there who might actually stumble upon this article) I would imagine that the Vols are definitely an “honorable mention” in terms of rivalry for each. Still, given the fact that both Alabama and Florida have fierce in-state rivalries with the Auburn Tigers and Florida State Seminoles respectively, I doubt that — if polled — a majority at either school would place Tennessee at the top of the heap in terms of rivalry. In fact, at some level, I question whether any school in the SEC other than Vanderbilt would dub Tennessee as their most hated rival. The one other possible candidate might be the Georgia Bulldogs who — for the better part of my lifetime — have seemed utterly unable to consistently find a way to beat Tennessee no matter how heavily skewed the odds are in the Bulldogs’ favor.

I suppose, in the end, Tennessee is everyone’s second most hated team…

Either way, however, I do hope that these rivalries continue to exist and grow in terms or their intensity and fervor. While “true” hatred (and by that I mean real hatred of real people along the lines of the whackos noted at the top of this article) is a terribly ugly and reprehensible thing, I believe that a little faux-hatred directed at another team (not its individual fans) can be a very healthy thing for the game of college football — if for no other reason than to drive those competitive instincts into a fury. While I feel Tennessee’s rivalries with Alabama and Florida are in good shape at present — at least in terms of their staying power — it is always possible that they could fizzle out.

Of course, each fan of each team has the ability to define rivalry in their own terms. So too, changes in the game constantly reshape the landscape of college football, creating new affection, enmity, and apathy. Thus, it is impossible for me to say who Tennessee’s biggest rival will be in 10 years, 20 years, or beyond. I will not try to tell anyone what team they should despise.

I just hope that they find that one team … and keep those fires stoked for years to come.

– Go Figure …

Wow … all I can say is “Wow.”

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story — a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed – at least to some extent — it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to “clear his name” before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong…

Mindy McCready

Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use “alleged” because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them … oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes — even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person’s love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It’s one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it’s an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete … ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state…

I have never personally witnessed — forget me — the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye … ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don’t hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens’ downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet … I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he’s done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn’t been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on … so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law … hell … gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn’t …

… they will be said to have “Pulled a Clemens”

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

Osama Bin Clemens

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest…

– Go Figure …

*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the “Gate 21″ Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a “Farks”), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

Okay, I admit it — this is a completely irrational rant, but I can’t help it. If any of you SEC fans out there happen to live in the heart of another conference’s “territory” then you may understand. Either way, I am unapologetic about this little rant…

I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is generally a really great place to live — except when it comes to college sports. My house and office are about 5 miles from NC State University. Considering how shitty the Wolfpack generally is in pretty much every sport other than Tiddly-Winks, that isn’t so bad. Widen the arc just a bit more, however, and things get decidedly more annoying. Dook (a/k/a Duke) is about 15 miles up the road, and Tarhead State (a/k/a UNC) is about 9 miles beyond that.

I live in the bowels of ACC Country…

Now, during football season, things aren’t all that bad — basketball season (especially the month of March), however, is a different matter.

There are few things that I dislike more than Tarhead fans. The self-righteous “Whine & Cheese” Smurfs of Chapel Hill have to be some of the most annoying fans in the sports world. Of course, the UNC crowd would claim this is unfair — they would argue that the Dookies are worse. In some ways they might be right — the Dookies are terribly obnoxious, arrogant, elitist, and (on the whole) annoying fans — the key point, however, is that the Dook fans acknowledge that they are this way and, in fact often wear that fact as a badge of honor. UNC fans, on the other hand are generally so elitist that they refuse to acknowledge their elitism.

Duke may be the “University of New Jersey at Durham,” their fans annoying as hell, and a former employer of Steve Spurrier, but I’d still take them over the Tarheads any day — after all, they hired David Cutcliffe…

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am an alum of both the University of Tennessee and the University of North Carolina — UNC School of Law, Class of 2001…

This is not to tout my resume (like anyone would care…), but rather to point out that I have earned my bitching license. UNC is a great school, and I got a fine education there, but I hate the Tarhead fans. I am just so tired of hearing all the Tarhead talk and all the “ACC is the King” crap that I am about to puke…

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A Exclusive

In light of recent developments in both Tuscaloosa and New York, Nick Saban announced this afternoon that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be joining the Alabama Crimson Tide football staff immediately. This announcement occurred on the same day that Spitzer resigned as New York Governor and said good-bye to his Gubernatorial staff.

Eliot Spitzer saying goodbye to his New York Political Staff earlier this morning

Coach Saban introduced Spitzer to the media today at 12:30 pm, only one hour after he resigned as the Governor of New York by saying,

It’s, like, really cool to have such a heavy hitter coming to join us here in Miam … er … Tuscaloosa. I mean, we’ve had some off-field incidents, even I can’t deny that anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but then everyone would realize I’m full of shit.

Anyway, like I said, we’ve had some off the field issues — players causing fights, robbing co-eds at knife point, plotting the overthrow of the government and so forth, so I wanted to bring in someone who could really get tough on things. Immediately, I thought of Eliot, and — who’da believed it — he just happened to be … ummm … in transition. So it’s sort of a win-win situation from where I see it. So, uhhh, here he is.

Spitzer then addressed the media stating that he was thrilled to be offered a chance to join the Crimson Tide staff.

We all are looking for opportunities in life, and when Nick called, I immediately jumped at the challenge to come in and help reform this program. In my past as a lawyer, Attorney General, and Governor of New York, I’ve taken on big business, Wall Street, organized crime, and a whole crowd of street-walking crack-whores. I know that I have both the skills and the commitment to once again return integrity to the Alabama football program. I pledge to this university my promise that I will do everything in my power to see to it that each of the Tide players is accountable for their actions. Oh, and, … uh … I promise I won’t pay for sex anymore….

When asked what Spitzer’s compensation package would include Saban replied “Uhhh, money … oh yeah, and we’ve arranged for him to live with the Tri-Delts here on campus, so I suppose there will be some … err …. fringe benefits involved as well, but we’re still working out the details.“

Several of the members of the Tri -Delta Sorority appeared with Spitzer at the press conference. “These fine young ladies of Alabama have been most welcoming to me, as I have come to town today to take up the mantle of reform once again. I do so look forward to diving into them … I mean … into this project as we move forward.“

Eliot Spitzer commenting on the size of his … err … integrity with several members of the Alabama Tri-Delta Sorority in the background

Spitzer is set to assume the position his role with the Crimson Tide immediately, despite the fact that his wife was quoted as saying that “there was no f***in’ way in hell,” that she would be joining him.

Thus, Alabama looks to the future, and Eliot Spitzer once again finds himself surrounded by thugs, degenerates, and naked women…

– Go Figure …

More Farks on display at Gate 21’s Museum of Farks:

**Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. This article (along with all images contained therein) is a fictional humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”), intended as satire, and does not reflect the views or position of the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

Not a lot of interest going on at present, other than the BasketVols beating the Georgia Bulldogs on the road at Athens 74-71. Despite allowing the Dawgs to stay in the game until the very end, Tennessee had four players in double figures, led by Chris Lofton who had 6 3-pointers and 22 points — 19 of which he scored in the second half. The Vols now sit with a record of 23-2, as they get ready for the Auburn Tigers on Wednesday at 7:30 at the Tommy Bowl, followed by Memphis at 9:00 on Saturday 23 February in Memphis.

With only 5 SEC games remaining, the Vols have a real chance to dominate the Conference if they can just take care of business. While the game against Memphis has the potential to be the game of the year considering that both teams will be ranked in the top four (and possibly the top 2) in the country, the Vols real focus needs to be winning a regular-season championship before the tournament begins. I’m sure Bruce and the Barbarians will do nothing less.

Ignoring what I just wrote, I sincerely hope the Vols go and beat the absolute hell out of Memphis. Back when I was in school at Tennessee, I remember having a sociology class with former BasketVol CJ Black. Once during the class the professor asked everyone in the room to identify some stereotypes that society often makes, and people who defy those stereotypes. CJ Black responded by yelling at the top of his lungs: “Everybody from Memphis got gold teeth! And it’s the truth!!!” Thus, in honor of CJ Black, Gate 21 reminds everyone to be on the lookout for gold teeth this week, if you see anyone with gold teeth, you should contact the authorities, or CJ Black.

This public service message is brought to you by the Elvis Presley House of Sideburns, just 3 blocks from Graceland…

In case you have nothing to do on Wednesday night, the University has announced there are still a few tickets available for the Auburn game. You can find more information on these over at UT Sports.com.

– Go Figure …

Image Courtesy of: View Images

Those of you who lived, worked, or went to school in Knoxville at any time during the latter-half of the 20^th Century (that’s the 1900’s for any of you who are chronologically challenged), will doubtless remember the greatest haunt on the strip of dilapidated buildings known to the Tennessee faithful simply as “Cumberland.”   While I know there will undoubtedly be some of you who swear by Old College Inn, The Last Lap, The Library, Spicy’s, The Varsity, or (for some ungodly reason) the Torch, and say that I am crazy, this is my ship and I decide where it goes (even if that is straight on to the rocks).  Yes, in my opinion, the greatest loss suffered by the Tennessee community in the last … well, pretty much since the Civil War, was the closure of the venerable eatery known as Sam & Andy’s.

Sam & Andy’s (circa 1998)

Due to the pressures of time, the almighty dollar, and the rise of crappy, half-assed, uppity chain restaurants, Sam & Andy’s was replaced by McAlister’s Deli (one of the aforementioned chains, this one owned by some dentist from Oxford, Mississippi) in 1998.

Sam & Andy’s was my kind of place.

Sam & Andy’s was as much a part of the university as Neyland Stadium and Ayres Hall.  It was a tradition for over sixty years on Cumberland.  It had been the job of Sam & Andy—both of whom retired or died many years before I first walked through the door—to oversee the nutritional well-being of generations of college students.   They served classic college food at reasonable prices in a surly and smug atmosphere.   Sam & Andy’s was actually three different restaurants housed under one roof: Sam & Andy’s Tennessean, Sam & Andy’s Roman Room, and Sam & Andy’s Deli. Each of three restaurants were connected (to hell with the fire code!) and served, more or less, the exact same thing for the same price.  Each of these restaurants, however, had completely different personalities and customers.  In fact many frequent patrons, such as me, rarely if ever ventured into any of the other areas; that is unless they needed to use the restroom or buy condoms from one of fourteen different machines on the wall in the single set of restrooms which served all three.   That building was a living tradition.

The Men’s Bathroom Wall

I always frequented the deli which was in the rear of the building.  It was a simple open room with a chest-high white wood and formica counter running the length of the back and right-hand wall.   Near the door, the counter dropped down to waist level, and a small collection of little baskets containing salt and other condiments sat next to a neat stack of napkins, all of which sat in front of an old cash register which appeared to have come over on the Ark with Noah.  The left-hand wall was completely obscured by a floor to ceiling beer cooler like the ones found in convenience stores.   The front wall was home to a much smaller Coca-Cola cooler, several racks of potato chips and snacks, and a TV suspended on the wall which was always on but rarely seemed to be watched.  In the middle of the room were nine or ten plain white Formica tables with simple yellow vinyl covered chairs.   The walls, or at least the parts that could be seen, were light brown wooden paneling, and were covered with old newspaper clippings, pictures, awards, and beer posters.

The Deli Entrance

Over the grill, in the back, hung the menu boards.  From these boards a student or anybody who was hungry could order anything from a Hoagie, a Vol or Pizza Burger, to a Sub, or anything else in between.   It would always be served up in the same manner- on wax paper in a small red plastic basket with a pickle on the side.   In all of the hundreds of visits I made to Sam & Andy’s, I don’t think I ever ordered anything other than a Kielbasa Sandwich on dark bread (and it was really dark) with provolone, spicy mustard, and mayonnaise; well, except for a brief “angry” period in my college years when I ordered a few Ribeyesteak sandwiches.  While my coronary arteries are probably still reeling from these meals, my heart sure loved them.

The place smelled of meat and cheese. It was always hot in there because they steamed the sandwiches, which meant the room was pretty much constantly in a fog.  God, how I loved those steamed sandwiches.  Over here in ACC country where I live now, if you ask the guy at the sandwich place to steam your sandwich he looks at you like you just introduced the topic of nipple-piercing while having a conversation with the Pope.

Sam & Andy’s was the kind of place that understood customer service and where they knew how to treat people right.  They tended to treat out-of-towners and uppity types like they had a contagious case of desiccated rectal cancer, the regulars—like myself—they simply ignored.  That said, once during my sophomore year I went there with my roommate, and realized I didn’t have any money to my name. My buddy ordered his sandwich, and I just sat.  Then the heavyset guy behind the counter (I never learned his name, but he wore glasses and had blondish-brown hair parted in the middle if anyone knows who he was) asked what I was having.

“I’ve got no money, man.” says I.

“Ahh, you’re in here all the time. Just write us an IOU.” came the response from behind the counter.

Thus, that night I ate purely upon the value of my name written on the back of some old business card.  Now in the 1950’s that might have been common in a small college community, but this was 1995.  I made sure to stop by the next day and settle my debt.

Best I could ever tell, George Captain owned the place during my years in Knoxville.  He was always behind the bar in the Tennessean part of the building. I think he was Sam or Andy’s nephew.   I also know that a few other establishments around campus (Vic & Bill’s Deli behind the law school and Gus’ Goodtimes Deli on Melrose), were owned by other cousins.  I guess their philosophy was keep the competition in the family.

George Captain

Anyway, in 1997, McAlister’s Deli bought the land and Sam & Andy’s closed.   I grabbed one of the last take-out menus before I left on the last day of business.

Sam & Andy’s Menu (circa. 1998)

Sam & Andy’s re-opened in the old Swensen’s building across the street a few years later, but it wasn’t the same.  The atmosphere was all wrong, and it was more like a “normal” restaurant.   They seemed to do a good business, but a year or two ago they lost their lease and Moe’s moved in.  I hear that they still have places in Fountain City and out in West Knoxville, but I haven’t been.

On the day that McAlister’s opened in 1998, I chanted a hex on the restaurant that I learned from some voo-doo panhandler down in New Orleans in return for $5.00 for a bottle of Ripple.  I think either I said it wrong or got ripped off, because McAlister’s hasn’t burned down, I haven’t seen un-dead zombies trashing the place, and there haven’t been any swarms of locusts around the joint.  Still, I hope it gets hit by a bus, burned to the ground, and Mr. McAlister—whoever the hell he is—gets a chronic case of piles.

So next time you’re on Cumberland, lift a glass to Sam & Andy’s … and empty your bladder on the front door at McAlister’s.

— Go Figure … lawvol

(c) 2007 “lawvol”

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