Posts Tagged ‘Fark’

Even if I haven’t had time to write anything worth reading, at least I can fall back on my favorite pastime: low-brow sight gags.

Coach Kiffin’s first rule: Always have a plan…

Works for me!

Fortunately, it has been a slow sports news week for the Vols, and I hope to be back up to speed soon.

– Go Figure …

It’s Bama Week

No Alabama-Tennessee week would be complete without a Big Orange Roundtable, and the Vols over at Third Saturday in Blogtober have been gracious enough to include us in a joint roundtable with their Bammer counterparts in a Orange/White/Crimson Roundtable.

Two side notes: first, if you haven’t been reading the loads of great stuff over at 3SIB, please do so NOW. Never has there been such a great place to see so much good-natured trash talk as there has been over there this week. Second, if you’re looking for the On Remote post, don’t worry: it’s coming tomorrow.

Anyways, to this week’s great questions, which oddly enough have a dominant Stars Wars theme. I’m proud (and comfortable enough with myself) to say that I absolutely loved Star Wars in my elementary school days when the three original movies were “remade.” I had everything – books, action figures of all sizes, models, playsets, etc. – you name it, I probably had it. Seriously, Star Wars was just plain awesome to me (keep word there being was) back in those days.

So of course I quite a laugh out of these week’s questions, and the answers so far have been pretty good. I’ll try to do what I can to keep them up. Anyways…

Death Star

1. Both teams at some point or another have been described as an Evil Empire. If your team is the Death Star, what is it’s planet-destroying weapon?

This is a no-brainer: Eric Freaking Berry. He is a human missile, whether it’s closing in on any throw by the opposing QB or the helpless ballcarrier breaking into the second level. Seriously, you see this aspect of Berry’s game pretty well when you sit at field level a couple times like I have the past two home games.

Berry already destroyed a few things this year, like Knowshon Moreno and Mississippi State specifically. I can’t wait to see who is next (Julio Jones? Glen Coffee?  J.P. Wilson? Rolando McClain?). If Tennessee had 22 Eric Berrys, the Vols would beat the Titans (are the Tennessee Titans really the NFL’s best team?? seriously??) by 30 points – and that’s on an off day.

Get owned Knowshon

Berry is a special special player. A once-in-a-lifetime type player. And he’s just a sophomore. He still has half his career left – assuming he stays four years. And as of this week I’m one of his over 3,300 friends on Facebook…

More like fifty-meter wide for Tennessee

2. What is its two meter wide exhaust port?

Easily the toughest question this week…where do I start? At first it was the QB play. That’s changed. Then it was special teams (I bet we punt to Javier Arenas Saturday night too). Britton’s back now. Then it was the running back rotation. Lennon Creer was the leading rusher against Mississippi State. At times it’s the schemes in the secondary. The Vols had two pick-sixes and gave up 3 points last week.

I guess that leaves me with the offensive line. It doesn’t matter who you put at running back if the line can’t open up any holes. With Anthony Parker potentially out Saturday night, the line becomes really thin. For all the hype these guys got in the preseason, they have to be the biggest disappointment, right?

Here’s to hoping it stops Saturday night. Terrence Cody is now out, so that helps tremendously. This line needs to just get pissed off and blow Bama up in the trenches. It’s going to be a real challenge, but I think these guys are capable. I mean, have you seen Vlad Richard? Jacques McClendon benches over 600 pounds. It’s not like Ramon Foster and Chris Scott are little guys, either…

My weak attempt at my first fark: Darth Saban...man do we need Lawvol back or what??

3. Everyone is looking forward to Eric Berry vs. Julio Jones. What is the next matchup you’ll be keying on in this game?

In the trenches. Bammer has been really studly along the lines in both of their best games this year, the win over Clemson and the first half battering of Georgia in Athens last month. Tennessee in the trenches? Ehh…

Surprisingly, the defensive front hasn’t played that bad. They had Tyson Lee running for his life last weekend (perhaps giving them a confidence boost), knocked NIU’s QB out and were everywhere against Auburn as well. Unfortunately, Alabama is none of those. Georgia pushed the Vols around, but that had as much to do with the fact the Tennessee defense played 80 snaps than anything else, really.

Alabama has the best offensive line that Tennessee has faced to this point. If they can slow down the Tide rushing attack and get some hurries on Wilson, it greatly enhances Tennessee’s chances for the win. Obviously that’s easier said than done, but it’s not impossible by any means.

I’ve already discussed the other side of the trenches coin in Question #3, so I won’t go much into that. But Tennessee will have to run the ball to have a prayer of winning Saturday night. Can they do it?

4. The Tide and Vols will scrap it out under the lights at Neyland. Do you like this arrangement and does the later kickoff time provide an advantage to either team?

I would imagine if any advantage comes from the time of the game itself, it’s Tennessee, simply because naturally night SEC games are supposedly louder than earlier games. Or so says the theory – I might just be reaching, looking for anything to increase my very slim hopes that the Vols don’t get run out of the stadium…

Seriously, though, the crowd – those that have been there (only my fellow idiot students have been lacking, leaving over 1,000 for the Bammers), at least – has been pretty into the past two night games for a MAC team and a bottom-level SEC team. If they aren’t amped up for freakin’ Alabama, then…well I don’t even think that’s possible. How long before the Tide crush any hope is the real key…

As for if I like this arrangement, that’s just silly. Of course!! Tailgating and gamedays are one of favorite aspects of being here in Knoxville and being in college. And now I get to enjoy it for probably something like 8 hours Saturday.

Advantage – me!

5. Since the Tide had a bye week and the Vols didn’t bother to play that weekend either (zing!) we’re going to say this is the Third Saturday in October just to justify the name of one of the greatest rivalries in college football. In three thousand words or less, turn over the kettles of white-hot liquid hate upon thine enemy.

I believe that (a) I already addressed this yesterday and (b) I certainly went over the 3,000 word limit. So I’ll just take the easy, slacker way out and link it. CLICK HERE!!!

Update: by Lawvol…

Hopefully, HSH won’t take it personally that I am adding to his post, but he did call me out on the fark of Saban.

Thus, here are my humble additions to the Star Wars Edition:

Can the Jedi Prevail?

-OR-

Will Darkness Take Control?

The Rest of the Roundtable is linked here. Please go read their answers, their’s are probably better than mine – though I did like my answer to #4 (and it brought some great comments). Hopefully Lawvol can get a chance to post his own as comments – this is his site after all…

- 3SIB
- Curveballs For Jesus
- Fulmer’s Belly
- YMSWWC
- SESB

Images Courtesy of: Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images (Daylife)

This Week’s Roundtable is hosted by: Loser With Socks

A Day Late, and a Dollar Short…

This week’s Big Orange Roundtable is hosted by Jai Eugene over at Loser With Socks.  As has been the case for most of my life over the past few months, I am running behind, so I’ll get right down to it.

Here are my thoughts for the week:

Week 8

(Questions in Sort-o-Teal-like color)

1)  In a perfect world, what time would your UCLA Kick-off start?

I’m with Thomas over at YMSWWC in wishing for a 7:00 pm EST start.  I know that there are a lot of folks that live out on the left coast, and that they’d rather not have the game start at 4:00 pm their time, but … well … they should’ve thought of that before moving out there.

Besides 90% of the people who are actually going to watch the game will be from SEC Country anyway.  Of the remaining 10%, aside from UCLA’s 3 real fans and Rick Neuheisel’s mother, all the other folks watching the game will be SEC transplants on the West Coast who are used to having weird times for quality football games — like 4:00 am on a Tuesday.

Of course, based upon my experience from making the trip out to LA for the 1997 Tennessee – UCLA game, most (at least 5 – 7,000 of them or so) of the SEC transplants will already be at the game drowning out the deafening silence that is so usually associated with UCLA home football games.  I mean, I’m glad that UCLA gives 15 – 20,000 seats at every game to the disadvantaged youth from the LA area, but it’s not much of a home field advantage.

To the UCLA fans’ credit, however, there is a special helmet that the team occasionally wears — just to salute their fans.

Hmm… not exactly the same as being at an SEC stadium…

2) Sometimes doing the right thing is tough. Sometimes we have to choose between bad and worse.  I have known snipers that get bothered even though what they did was absolutely right. It seems being a coach would have some similar circumstances. Did you think that  Coach Fulmer and staff ever lose any sleep over their choices?

Of course I’m not privy to everything that goes on in the Tennessee football program, so I’m just speculating (which has never stopped me before).  Ignoring that, I imagine that the Great Punkin is much more likely to lose sleep over the painful realization that he still has several more weddings to pay for as his daughters grow older, than he is to lose sleep over matters pertaining to his decisions as a football coach.

Fulmer is many things — great football coach, awe-inspiring orator, terror at the Chinese Buffet, dancing phenom, master of international diplomacy, winner of the world quilting competition, beloved figure in the State of Alabama, his lawyer’s best client, man of distinction — but I have always felt that he is a man of great integrity who always trusts his gut (no pun intended) and does what he believes is right, as Willie Nelson so aptly described:

And every time I follow what I’m feeling, I end up in the same place my heart would have me go.

If there’s one rule in life I trust, it’s everything outside your gut, ain’t necessarily so.

– Willie Nelson

My experience is that that Fulmer generally trusts his instincts and he rarely second guesses himself.  The case of the phrase “Randy Sanders, Offensive Coordinator” is a good example of that.  Thus, I’d be highly surprised if there are many things from his career he regrets in that way.

The same would be true for “Smilin’ Mike” Hamilton, perhaps with the exception of his having attended Clemson, which is … well … bad, but at least he now has 2 reasons to pull against Alabama this weekend.

3) Nick Saban is going to start 10 freshman against Clemson.  Why is he doing this and did he just buy another year of grace from the Red Elephant Club?

So, Slick Nicky wants to try playing with 10 freshman.  Well, more power to him, but it’s going to be a long night at the Georgia Dome if he does.

My guess is, however,  that one of several things is actually going on here:

1. He’s lying.
2. He believes that if he sets the bar low for the game against the Tigers — by being able to claim that he was handicapped by having largely freshmen on the team — the Bammer faithful won’t call for his head after the first game.
3. After a long talk with Mike Shula over martinis in the bathtub, Saban has realized that he can make just as much money doing absolutely nothing other than admiring himself in the mirror, and thus hopes a 65 – 0 loss on national television will get him fired and a chance to start living the easy life.
4. He’s an idiot.
5. He finally realized that all those bribes he gave local judges in Alabama — though improving his chances of getting out of speeding tickets — are not going to result in all of his regular starting convicts players being released.
6. When asked by Pete Rose — for reasons Pete said he simply couldn’t go into — Saban agreed to play the freshmen.
7. The 10 freshmen are all the brothers of the girls down at the “Brass Pole Gentlemen’s Club” and the girls said if Nick gave their brothers a shot, they’d make it worth his while.

Yeah, it’s probably a little of all of them…

Read the rest of this entry »

Check out the Roundtable Round-up with Joel’s Thoughts on our efforts (or lack there of) for this week…

This Week’s Roundtable Host: Rocky Top Talk

Onward and Upward!

This week’s Big Orange Roundtable is hosted by Joel over at Rocky Top Talk.

At present the roundtable includes: 3rd Saturday in Blogtober, Fulmer’s Belly, Gate 21, Rocky Top Talk, Loser With Socks, the World According to MoonDog (a/k/a MoonDog Sports), The Power T, Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain, and the SouthEastern Sports Blog. If you’d like to join, feel free to let us know. If you want more information on how the roundtable works, you can check out Ghost of Neyland’s wonderful introduction over at 3SIB.

Anyway, here are my thoughts for the week:

Week 3

(Questions in Sort-o-Teal-like color)

1) For some inexplicable reason, Phillip Fulmer invites Urban Meyer, Mark Richt, Steve Spurrier, Nick Saban, Les Miles, and Tommy Tuberville over to his palatial estate for a dinner party. At 2:00 a.m. the next morning, The Papa discovers that Smokey IX has been murdered. Who did it, with what, and where? Think Clue. You know, Mr. Mustard in the parlor with the candlestick?

After dinner, Fulmer gave Smokey a few hot dogs from his private stash before heading upstairs with his bride, Vicky. After making it to the bedroom, Phillip decided that he wanted to grab a quick doughnut from his other private stash. While heading back toward the kitchen, he was confronted by the ghost of Bear Bryant who warned him that Smokey was in danger.

Shocked and frightened, Fulmer rushed downstairs to find Smokey lying on the floor, a half-eaten hot dog left lying by his side. Fulmer immediately called Lieutenant Columbo to investigate (after he ate the rest of the hot dog).

Once on the scene, Columbo began interviewing the others. Mark Richt claimed to be admiring himself in the mirror in his favorite bright red thong. Tubberville said he was adding another coat of shellac to his hair before retiring for the night. Saban claimed to be counting all the money he had fleeced from Alabama donors in his room. Meyer stated that he was siting with his legs crossed offering a burnt offering before his statue of Tim Tebow.  Les Miles had been carefully placing his hat in its protective case for the night. Finally, Spurrier claimed that he had been on the phone with a local sports-talk show under the pseudonym “Homer from Sequatchie County.“

At first Columbo was stumped considering that all the alibis checked out. Then the case turned. Columbo discovered that Nick Saban had accidentally left his webcam running while counting his money on the bed. It had recorded sounds in the background which, at first seemed unrecognizable, but then when played at 300 times normal speed became understandable as a human speaking.

Columbo rushed downstairs, the others right on his heels, to find Ed Orgeron hiding in the bushes pretending to be a Maple tree. Fulmer grabbed Orgeron while Tubberville tied his hands, and Saban stole his wallet. Columbo put it to him straight.

“So, it looks like we caught you…“

“I say, I say, I say, it war an assidunt. I’s was a jest a’chomin heah to talk to dis heah fine group ah koaches whahn I come up-pon da little puppah. I’s was ah jest a talkin’ to heam and a scrahathin’ heahs eaahs whan alla-da-suddin’ heah just collapsas. I say, I say I dohn’t know whaht heppened!“

All of the sudden, Vicky Fulmer screamed… “Look!“

“Hey now, I wasn’t taking any money from anybody. I mean I was just standing here minding my own business…“

“Not you, Nick, look, Smokey’s back up and walking!” Vicky pointed to a dazed and groggy Smokey staggering from side to side.

“Hallelujah, Tim be praised!  The omnisicent Tebow has looked down on this animal’s plight and blessed him. He has been raised from the dead!” Meyer exclaimed as he fell to his knees.

“I don’t think so sir. Exactly how long were you talking to the dog, sir?” Columbo asked

“Wheall, lessee… I’s ah’suhppose it was abaht fie-to-tenh mannutes. Yehsir.” Orgeron replied.

“I think I’ve solved the case.” Columbo nodded to himself. “Mr. Foghorn … Orgeron here came to see about getting a job with these here coaches, but got distracted by the cute dog, and set upon lamenting his tale to the pooch. At first, Smokey was enjoying the attention, but then things started to get fuzzy and he collapsed. You see, all of the hot-air coming from Orgeron caused Smokey to temporarily lose consciousness from lack of oxygen. He wasn’t actually dead. His body just entered a state of suspended animation to avoid any more damage to his brain from what Ogeron was saying. There was no murder here…“

“Well that’s a relief, I had just assumed it was some of my players, and was trying to think up a lie to tell the media.” Spurrier chimed in.

“Well, how do you explain the ghost of Bear Bryant that I saw upstairs?” Fulmer asked.

“That was no ghost, that was Johnny Majors. He’d polished off a bottle of bourbon and was — well, overcome by a multitude of circumstances — which led him to think he was Bear Bryant. I’ve seen it before. Likely as not, he was just looking for some eggs to throw on your car.” they all nodded to themselves knowing this to be true.

“Well, I suppose that wraps up my business here. You folks have a nice evening.” Columbo said as he shut his notebook.

“Thank you so much Lieutenant, is there anything we can do to repay you?” asked Vicky Fulmer.

“Just one thing ma’am — tell your husband to leave a few in the racks next time he and the coaching staff hit Krispy Kreme. The beat officers would appreciate it…“

Read the rest of this entry »

Continuing with this “Summer of Love” (especially while I am out chasing my butt until, at least, the end of June), I want to give a big shout out to what I consider to be the best message board on the web for Tennessee fans: Smash South Sports.

Smash South Sports (or SSS) is a top-flight outfit which — in my opinion — succeeds in areas where others fail: maintaining balance.

There are numerous message boards out there, and typically they are either the sort where only the most true-blue “homers” who never question anything about the program are welcome, or they are a ranting-and-raving free-for-all inhabited primarily by those who simply want to flame away and complain about anything and everything they dislike about a given subject.

In other words, most message boards are either pure white bread or something akin to a leisurely stroll through hell…

That is what makes SSS different. It is unfiltered — so you can speak your mind freely without the unnecessary interference from overly aggressive moderators. I have never seen anyone get “moderated” due to the fact they take an unpopular or atypical position. By the same token, SSS is not a house of rants where all the posters do is complain and look for ways to call for the firing of coaches, the skewering of players, the burning of stadiums and so forth.

It is, however, a place which welcomes open discussion of a frank and often humorous nature. Furthermore, the community is one where the people get to know one another in the process of discussing all things related to Tennessee athletics, and beyond. I’ve tried a number of the message boards out there, and — in my book — SSS is the best when it comes to web forums following the Vols and the SEC.

On top of all of this, SSS has one board known as the Fark Factory, dedicated to the creation and sharing of farks (a/k/a photoshopped images) related to Tennessee and SEC sports. The Fark Factory was the recipient of the 2007 College Football Blogger Award for the Best Photoshop for the now legendary “Fark of the Covenant” which pitted the best photoshop artists for Tennessee against those from LSU in the run-up to the 2007 SEC Football Championship Game. The Fark of the Covenant is perpetually preserved at SSS, and many of the farks from that thread are also on display at Gate 21’s own Tennessee Home for the Visually Offensive for your viewing pleasure.

At any rate, if you’re looking for a great Tennessee Message board, give SSS a look. It bills itself as “the message board for the fans … by the fans.” I think it delivers.

– Go Figure …

**Disclosure: While Gate 21 and Smash South Sports both feature hyperlinks to one another, neither site, their parent companies, editors, nor webmasters receive any payment or other compensation of any type or kind in return those links. Furthermore, neither Gate 21 nor lawvol received any compensation for this review, which was not requested or solicited by Smash South Sports. This “Shout Out” represents the actual opinion of the author (for what that is worth) and was in no way influenced by any other person.

The Third Saturday in October, 1995

(14 October 1995)

vs.

Tennessee 41 • Alabama 14

Legion Field

There are a fair number of people in Orange Nation who — ignoring the whole “national championship thing” in 1998 — are of the opinion that the 1995 Tennessee Volunteers may have been the best football team fielded by the Big Orange in the modern era. Regardless of whether they were better than any other team — the 1995 Vols were pretty darn good, and were a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Thus, a few of the games from that season make my all-time list.

It’s probably not all that hard to figure out the first one (No, I’m not referring to the stinkin’ East Carolina Game)

I don’t know that I necessarily agree or disagree with the folks who think the 1995 team is better than the 1998 team. I think there are strong points that can be made for both squads, but hardly settle the issue. After all, who is “best” is really a matter of opinion. This is the sort of debate which leads Basilio to offer his catch phrase of deepest profundity:

“Hmmm …. Interesting.“

Translation: “I really don’t feel like arguing with you about this because I can’t prove you’re wrong, and you can’t prove you’re right.” Of course, some folks love trying to prove their opinions are fact or — at a minimum — are superior to your opinions (“Oh, but I can prove it! Really, I can — with a crayon, a note from my Mother, and this bit of string…” ). The type of people who seem to gravitate toward that sort of behavior are usually a little short on knowledge and a little long on ego which, while annoying at times, is forgivable. The rest are just egomaniacal degenerates, politicians, and lawyers (ugh)…

… but I digress (sigh).

By the time 1995 rolled around Tennessee had managed to keep from beating the Alabama Crimson Tide for nine (that’s right, I said “NINE”) utterly abominable years. To that point, Tennessee had only beaten Alabama four times in my entire lifetime, which — from my perspective — sucked. The Vols came within a hair of beating Alabama in 1993, only to tie (that game was later forfeited to Tennessee due to Bama having offered big piles of cash to their players from 1958 until … well … minutes before the sanctions were imposed. Still, a forfeit on paper is hardly a win.). In 1994, my freshman year on the Hill, another freshman — some Manning kid — didn’t see an open passing lane to James “Little Man” Stewart who was standing in the endzone, all by himself, and practically sending smoke signals begging for the ball on the final play of the game. Victory to the Tide. Needless to say, I — along with every other Tennessee fan — was ready for that streak to end.

The game, like every other Tennessee-Alabama contest played in the state of Alabama from 1932-1999, was played at Legion Field in Birmingham.

If you’ve never been to Legion Field … skip it.

Read the rest of this entry »

Wow … all I can say is “Wow.”

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story — a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed – at least to some extent — it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to “clear his name” before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong…

Mindy McCready

Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use “alleged” because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them … oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes — even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person’s love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It’s one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it’s an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete … ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state…

I have never personally witnessed — forget me — the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye … ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don’t hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens’ downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet … I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he’s done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn’t been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on … so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law … hell … gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn’t …

… they will be said to have “Pulled a Clemens”

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

Osama Bin Clemens

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest…

– Go Figure …

*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the “Gate 21″ Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a “Farks”), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…