Posts Tagged ‘Fake News’

Neyland Stadium is in the process of getting a new face, but now it is also getting a new name…

At a press conference early this morning, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton announced that starting this season the Home of the Vols—known since 1962 as Neyland Stadium—will have a new name: “Nissan Stadium at Neyland Landing”

New logo for Nissan Stadium at Neyland Landing

Joined by UT Acting President Jan Simek, Athletics Board leader Jim Haslam, head football coach Lane Kiffin, and Nissan representatives, Hamilton unveiled preliminary designs for the new stadium logo and explained why Nissan was ultimately chosen as the new principal naming partner for Tennessee’s most visible icon.

This is an historic opportunity for athletics at Tennessee and for the stadium that we all love.  Furthermore, this partnership assures the financial future of this program for many years to come.  When we began the process of exploring a naming alliance, from the outset, we were committed to forging a pact with an organization that was both committed to this great state, but also one that fans and alumni could be proud of.  That is precisely what Nissan could offer.  Furthermore, this historic alliance only serves to amplify the national respect for Tennessee football and for the university as a whole.

• Mike Hamilton, commenting on UT / Nissan Partnership

In total, Nissan will contribute over $1.1 billion to the UT athletics program over the next 5 years.  Though unconfirmed at this time, there were indications that Nissan is considering a re-branding of its products to feature an orange and black color scheme.

Since the start of the athletic department’s master plan renovations to Neyland Stadium in 2004, the project has been funded by private funding sources.  UT Athletics Board leader Jim Haslam noted that, while largely relying upon VASF donors, the scope and size of the project was such that corporate partners were envisioned from the beginning.   “While it was never publicly advertised, the naming rights for the stadium were always available,” said Haslam.  Haslam also indicated that other companies were considered, but none could provide what Nissan ultimately offered.

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Breaking News…

26 years after its time as the focal point of the 1982 World’s Fair, the final sunset approaches for one of Knoxville’s most famous landmarks.

Speaking on terms of anonymity, officials with the Knox County Building Inspector’s office confirmed late Monday that the results of a recent series of structural evaluations of the Sunsphere call for the immediate demolition of the Knoxville landmark. According to county officials, a private study was recently commissioned in light of escalating deterioration of the Sunsphere. The results of the evaluation by independent engineering firm Simpson, Smithers & Bart, determined that the aging structure is not only unsafe for habitation, but presents a “serious risk of structural failure in the foreseeable future.” The engineering report, which is set to be released on Wednesday at a press conference scheduled by the mayor’s office, cites serious structural fatigue in the primary support stantions, which have already caused the monument to lean approximately 7 degrees to the west.

While the report makes it clear that the Sunsphere is not an “imminent risk to public safety,” due to a series of temporary reinforcements made during the the evaluation process, it goes on to note that the temporary reinforcements are only intended to prevent “systemic failure” prior to the the complete dismantling of the building. The report ultimately recommended that the structure be demolished “with all deliberate speed.“

Apparently fearing a public safety crisis, the City of Knoxville has already directed all occupants of the Sunsphere to vacate within the next 48 hours, and has made arangements for the demolition to commence later this week. Regional demolition contractor D.H. Shoffner has confirmed its crews will begin work on the project as early as Thursday morning, and that, absent unforeseen circumstances, the 600 ton structure is set to be imploded on the morning of April 13. Due to the emergent nature of this project, it is currently expected to cost in excess of $4.1 million. Despite inquiries, the Mayor’s office declined to comment.

As part of the analysis of the Sunsphere’s condition, Simpson, Smithers & Bart developed a computerized model demonstrating the stresses on the structure, and a likely scenario for structural failure. Click video (or link) below to see their analysis.

Sunsphere Structural Analysis

http://gate21.net/wp-content/uploads/Multimedia/Sunsphere.flv

Man, that is scary…

(April Fools)

• Also check out all the fun over at Your Mother Slept with Nick Saban and Now Thinks You’re Utterly Inadequate (Formerly Known as Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain)

– Go Figure …

Images Courtesy of: The Sunsphere is not a Wig Shop & Sunsphere Knoxville

A Exclusive

In light of recent developments in both Tuscaloosa and New York, Nick Saban announced this afternoon that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be joining the Alabama Crimson Tide football staff immediately. This announcement occurred on the same day that Spitzer resigned as New York Governor and said good-bye to his Gubernatorial staff.

Eliot Spitzer saying goodbye to his New York Political Staff earlier this morning

Coach Saban introduced Spitzer to the media today at 12:30 pm, only one hour after he resigned as the Governor of New York by saying,

It’s, like, really cool to have such a heavy hitter coming to join us here in Miam … er … Tuscaloosa. I mean, we’ve had some off-field incidents, even I can’t deny that anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but then everyone would realize I’m full of shit.

Anyway, like I said, we’ve had some off the field issues — players causing fights, robbing co-eds at knife point, plotting the overthrow of the government and so forth, so I wanted to bring in someone who could really get tough on things. Immediately, I thought of Eliot, and — who’da believed it — he just happened to be … ummm … in transition. So it’s sort of a win-win situation from where I see it. So, uhhh, here he is.

Spitzer then addressed the media stating that he was thrilled to be offered a chance to join the Crimson Tide staff.

We all are looking for opportunities in life, and when Nick called, I immediately jumped at the challenge to come in and help reform this program. In my past as a lawyer, Attorney General, and Governor of New York, I’ve taken on big business, Wall Street, organized crime, and a whole crowd of street-walking crack-whores. I know that I have both the skills and the commitment to once again return integrity to the Alabama football program. I pledge to this university my promise that I will do everything in my power to see to it that each of the Tide players is accountable for their actions. Oh, and, … uh … I promise I won’t pay for sex anymore….

When asked what Spitzer’s compensation package would include Saban replied “Uhhh, money … oh yeah, and we’ve arranged for him to live with the Tri-Delts here on campus, so I suppose there will be some … err …. fringe benefits involved as well, but we’re still working out the details.“

Several of the members of the Tri -Delta Sorority appeared with Spitzer at the press conference. “These fine young ladies of Alabama have been most welcoming to me, as I have come to town today to take up the mantle of reform once again. I do so look forward to diving into them … I mean … into this project as we move forward.“

Eliot Spitzer commenting on the size of his … err … integrity with several members of the Alabama Tri-Delta Sorority in the background

Spitzer is set to assume the position his role with the Crimson Tide immediately, despite the fact that his wife was quoted as saying that “there was no f***in’ way in hell,” that she would be joining him.

Thus, Alabama looks to the future, and Eliot Spitzer once again finds himself surrounded by thugs, degenerates, and naked women…

– Go Figure …

More Farks on display at Gate 21’s Museum of Farks:

**Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. This article (along with all images contained therein) is a fictional humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”), intended as satire, and does not reflect the views or position of the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

This just in…

Digital Headbutt is reporting that Terelle Pryor Commits to … Duke?!

In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

Read the whole bullshit story over at Digital Headbutt

Meanwhile … on a Hockey related note, Richard Zednik of the Florida Panthers, had his throat slit accidentally during a game, and there is even a YouTube of the incident, which is pretty bloody, as posted over at Two Minutes for Blogging.

WARNING, this is a bit graphic if you are squeamish!!!

Damn, I bet that hurts! I hope he is okay.

– Go Figure …

A Exclusive*

Tennessee Head Football Coach Phillip Fulmer surprised the media early this morning with a press conference announcing the addition of a new “Techniques Coordinator” to the Vols coaching staff.

“Aggressive play is a key component of success in college football these days — in fact, it has always been important.” Fulmer said at the press conference. “I, along with our staff, have increasingly felt that we needed to work on playing more aggressively at the individual level. We’ve been working like heck on this, but felt that it was time to bring in a specialist in this area — if for no other reason than to have a fresh perspective on things. It is for this reason I am extremely excited to introduce new Tennessee Assistant Coach and Techniques Coordinator, Jules Winnfield.”

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This article pretty much sums it up. Good writing up there in Columbus.

(click to enlarge – may have to zoom to read the text)

*As if it were not completely obvious, this article was not written by the Columbus Dispatch and is a humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”) of the Columbus Dispatch, and does not reflect the views or position of the Columbus Dispatch. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the Columbus Dispatch. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

— Go Figure … lawvol

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