Posts Tagged ‘Eliot Spitzer’

Roger, You’re the Greatest!

Wow ... all I can say is "Wow."

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story -- a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed - at least to some extent -- it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to "clear his name" before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong...

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="134" caption="Mindy McCready"]Mindy McCready[/caption] Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use "alleged" because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them ... oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don't get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes -- even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person's love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It's one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it's an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

Good To Go

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete ... ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state...

I have never personally witnessed -- forget me -- the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye ... ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don't hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens' downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet ... I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he's done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn't been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on ... so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law ... hell ... gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn't ...

... they will be said to have "Pulled a Clemens"

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

[caption id="attachment_356" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Osama Bin Clemens"]Clemens and Al Queda?[/caption]

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest...

-- Go Figure …


*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the "Gate 21" Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a "Farks"), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don't have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters...

NCAA Tournament — Everyone not Called “Tennessee” Thus Far

Well, as expected, there have been a few surprises in the Tournament so far. I being busy re-modeling my garage have been a bit slow to comment on these (as if anyone cared...). Be that as it may, here are my observations...

• Kentucky Consistency: Despite managing to make something out of nothing, Billy Clyde and the boys in blue have proven in the NCAA Tournament that they still possess the ability down the stretch to demonstrate the quality which helped pave their way to an 11 seed in the NCAA Tournament: the ability to suck the tubes hard when they really have to.

motivator9367439.jpg

In fairness, however, the Vanderbilt Commodores also proved that -- when forced to play on a normally configured basketball floor -- they blow.

That’s the last time I take either of them as a longshot in my bracket...

Pac-10 Power: I don’t claim to keep up with the Pac-10 in anything, but I was under the impression that UCLA, Stanford, and USC were supposed to be simply amazing teams which made their opponents quiver in fear, little children run for their mother, and grown men crap their pants. Apparently, Kansas State didn’t get the memo, and Marquette and Texas A&M all but disregarded it.

F USC

News Flash, UCLA is beatable...

Bulldog Blowout: Despite veritable orgy of wins over the last week leading up to the NCAA Tournament, the Georgia Bulldogs did not achieve the ridiculous and manage to amass more wins in the post-season than they did during the SEC regular season. Nice run, however for the Dawgs, but now the party is over..

So could someone please tell Dennis Felton that Wade Houston called and wants his moustache back?

Oh well...

The Kevin O’Neill Chronicles: After coaching the Arizona Wildcats all season while Lute Olsen "found" himself (despite the fact that Olsen has to be approaching 70 -- or at least looks like it) Kevin O’Neill again gets the shaft as Olsen made it clear that he will now resume his role as head coach. I guess Olsen is done chasing skirt, and can get back to doing his job. I don’t get why Olsen needed a whole season off because of a divorce -- Bruce Pearl has actually improved his record during his divorce, and Pat Summitt hasn't been too shabby during hers either.

Given Tennessee’s experience with O’Neill and his refusal to put up with the Big Dickey’s bullshit (did I say "bullshit?" I meant "bullshit."), I’d say it’s a safe bet that O’Neill is gonzo, and that right soon. As the only Pre-Pearl / Post-DeVoe coach the BasketVols ever had that was worth a damn, I wish him well. Speaking of which, the SEC schools that are thinking of trading up on their coach could do a lot worse than giving the old "Revco Kicker" a look.

Suck It!

I guess Lute Olsen and the Big Dickey have one thing in common ... now O’Neill thinks they are both two-faced jackasses...

• Dookus Go Homeus: Dook took it in the teeth, exactly as I didn’t predict. Oh well, Kentucky, Vanderbilt, and UConn already screwed my bracket enough to make Dook’s loss to the West Virginia Mountaineers a game of little consequence. I just hate it that the Belmont Bruins couldn’t pull it out the night before -- I was so hoping that the Bruins would give it to Coach Kryezq?r2gxmzrfeykzwGkeeei the hard way, and lay it on the "regal" ACC. Hats off to West Virginia for finishing the job.

Coach K…

As for the boys of Belmont, I know moral victories are like french-kissing your sister (fun at first, but then just damn nasty) but Belmont obviously has a really hot sister. No shame in taking Dook down to the wire, even if you came up one point short. Thankfully, Joel over at Rocky Top Talk didn’t have a coronary or toss his cookies on his keyboard during the 70-71 loss by Belmont...

... if Joel had quit posting due to death or a broken computer I’d have had one less great resource to plagiarize.

• UConn Sucks: But of course I think everyone already knew that...

• In Case You’re Keeping Score: Finally, just to show -- like Eliot Spitzer -- I am accountable to the people, my bracket is completely shot to hell.

More to come, on the BasketVols, and on everyone else once the rest of the Sweet 16 are confirmed...

-- Go Figure …


Images Courtesy of: Loser With Socks, SportsCrack, Georgia Sports Blog, and WildcatsMania

Headline, Links & Lies… Bracketology Edition

BANNER%20-%20Headlines%20Links%20+%20Lies

Ahh, the Joys of the NCAA Tournament Selection Process...

hansborough-and-paulus[1]

A few links worth looking at from across the blogosphere...

In the unlikely event that anyone cares, here’s my bracket (at least the one I’m claiming publicly, that is):

lawvol’s NCAA Bracket

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh it up...

duke-u-flopping-camp450[1]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSfDbmh93VU[/youtube]

For more Bobby Knight clips, check out Gate 21’s videos over on the right sidebar... (yeah, that’s right, over there >>>>)

-- Go Figure …SIG%20-%20Lawvol%20(Small) McAlisters%20-%20Crossout


Image Courtesy of: LOL Jocks

Saban Announces Addition of Eliot Spitzer to Alabama Staff

A Gate 21 Exclusive Exclusive

In light of recent developments in both Tuscaloosa and New York, Nick Saban announced this afternoon that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be joining the Alabama Crimson Tide football staff immediately. This announcement occurred on the same day that Spitzer resigned as New York Governor and said good-bye to his Gubernatorial staff.

Spitzer Saying Good-bye to his Staff

Eliot Spitzer saying goodbye to his New York Political Staff earlier this morning

Coach Saban introduced Spitzer to the media today at 12:30 pm, only one hour after he resigned as the Governor of New York by saying,

It's, like, really cool to have such a heavy hitter coming to join us here in Miam ... er ... Tuscaloosa. I mean, we've had some off-field incidents, even I can't deny that anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but then everyone would realize I'm full of shit.

Anyway, like I said, we've had some off the field issues -- players causing fights, robbing co-eds at knife point, plotting the overthrow of the government and so forth, so I wanted to bring in someone who could really get tough on things. Immediately, I thought of Eliot, and -- who'da believed it -- he just happened to be ... ummm ... in transition. So it's sort of a win-win situation from where I see it. So, uhhh, here he is.

Spitzer then addressed the media stating that he was thrilled to be offered a chance to join the Crimson Tide staff.

We all are looking for opportunities in life, and when Nick called, I immediately jumped at the challenge to come in and help reform this program. In my past as a lawyer, Attorney General, and Governor of New York, I've taken on big business, Wall Street, organized crime, and a whole crowd of street-walking crack-whores. I know that I have both the skills and the commitment to once again return integrity to the Alabama football program. I pledge to this university my promise that I will do everything in my power to see to it that each of the Tide players is accountable for their actions. Oh, and, ... uh ... I promise I won't pay for sex anymore....

When asked what Spitzer's compensation package would include Saban replied "Uhhh, money ... oh yeah, and we've arranged for him to live with the Tri-Delts here on campus, so I suppose there will be some ... err .... fringe benefits involved as well, but we're still working out the details."

Several of the members of the Tri -Delta Sorority appeared with Spitzer at the press conference. "These fine young ladies of Alabama have been most welcoming to me, as I have come to town today to take up the mantle of reform once again. I do so look forward to diving into them ... I mean ... into this project as we move forward."

Spitzer and Alabama Tri-Deltas

Eliot Spitzer commenting on the size of his ... err ... integrity with several members of the Alabama Tri-Delta Sorority in the background

Spitzer is set to assume the position his role with the Crimson Tide immediately, despite the fact that his wife was quoted as saying that "there was no f***in' way in hell," that she would be joining him.

Thus, Alabama looks to the future, and Eliot Spitzer once again finds himself surrounded by thugs, degenerates, and naked women...

-- Go Figure …

More Farks on display at Gate 21's Museum of Farks:

Tennessee Home for the Visually Offensive


**Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. This article (along with all images contained therein) is a fictional humorous depiction (a/k/a "Fark"), intended as satire, and does not reflect the views or position of the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. So please don't have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters...

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