Posts Tagged ‘Complete Bullshit’

Neyland Stadium is in the process of getting a new face, but now it is also getting a new name…

At a press conference early this morning, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton announced that starting this season the Home of the Vols—known since 1962 as Neyland Stadium—will have a new name: “Nissan Stadium at Neyland Landing”

New logo for Nissan Stadium at Neyland Landing

Joined by UT Acting President Jan Simek, Athletics Board leader Jim Haslam, head football coach Lane Kiffin, and Nissan representatives, Hamilton unveiled preliminary designs for the new stadium logo and explained why Nissan was ultimately chosen as the new principal naming partner for Tennessee’s most visible icon.

This is an historic opportunity for athletics at Tennessee and for the stadium that we all love.  Furthermore, this partnership assures the financial future of this program for many years to come.  When we began the process of exploring a naming alliance, from the outset, we were committed to forging a pact with an organization that was both committed to this great state, but also one that fans and alumni could be proud of.  That is precisely what Nissan could offer.  Furthermore, this historic alliance only serves to amplify the national respect for Tennessee football and for the university as a whole.

• Mike Hamilton, commenting on UT / Nissan Partnership

In total, Nissan will contribute over $1.1 billion to the UT athletics program over the next 5 years.  Though unconfirmed at this time, there were indications that Nissan is considering a re-branding of its products to feature an orange and black color scheme.

Since the start of the athletic department’s master plan renovations to Neyland Stadium in 2004, the project has been funded by private funding sources.  UT Athletics Board leader Jim Haslam noted that, while largely relying upon VASF donors, the scope and size of the project was such that corporate partners were envisioned from the beginning.   “While it was never publicly advertised, the naming rights for the stadium were always available,” said Haslam.  Haslam also indicated that other companies were considered, but none could provide what Nissan ultimately offered.

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According to Basilio and  GVX, Lane Kiffin has named former-Vol Inquoris “Inky” Johnson as a graduate assistant.  Johnson was a key member of the Vols’ defensive backfield prior to his career ending injury in 2006.  Johnson will be coaching the defensive backs.

Inky Johnson in 2006

It was also announced that Kiffin has named Leonidas of Sparta as the Vols new Kicking and Hurling of Sharp Objects Coach.**

(click to enlarge)

As you can see from the press conference, Leonidas is pumped!

Hmm… wonder how long I can keep this Sparta thing going?

– So it goes …

Image Courtesy of: UTVol.com

** Disclaimer:  As if it were not completely obvious, the discussion of Leonidas of Sparta is a humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”) and is a complete fabrication of the mind of the author (e.g. it is complete bullshit).  Some parts of this post do not reflect the views of the University of Tennessee.  Furthermore, neither the author of this post nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Tennessee, and all discussion of adding a “Hurling of Sharp Objects” coach is intended solely as humor.  So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

This Week’s Host: The Power T

Week Zwei

(That’s German for “2″)

This week’s Big Orange Roundtable is hosted by none other than The Power T, who has served up a heapin’ helpin’ of questions for we “Volggers” to consider. Being that I am all about riding the coat-tails of others (and the fact they haven’t kicked me out of the Roundtable … yet) here are Gate 21’s thoughts on all that is this week in the world of Tennessee Football.

(Questions in Sort-o-Teal-like color)

1) A position of strength for the Vols this fall should be wide receivers. Which 2 guys will emerge from the pack to start the opener against UCLA alongside Lucas Taylor? Why?

First of all, I think that Lucas Taylor is going to be a starter — probably from start to finish. He is the most tested and reliable of the receiving corps this year. As for the other spots, well, it gets more difficult there.

The conventional wisdom would be to go with Austin Rogers and Josh Briscoe (not to be confused with Briscoe Darling) — both have had significant playing time and key catches. They were solid down the stretch (especially in the overtime win against Kentucky, where Rogers saved the day with a huge 2-point conversion catch), however, they both had a few key weaknesses which hampered their overall production. Both had some big drops at key moments, and both appeared to have some shortcomings at times when it came to field awareness. That said, both of these upperclassmen now have an additional year of experience under their belt, and will no longer have to live in the shadow of the amazing and talented Robert Meachem.

The “Other” Briscoe

That said, I really like what I saw from Gerald Jones in his limited playing time last season, and something in my gut tells me that this talented sophomore will secure — at a minimum — 50% of one of the remaining starting spots. Based upon what I understand Dave Clawson’s offensive model to be, it seems that Jones would make a perfect fit — especially when it is time to go deep.

I am a huge fan of using the Tight End as an additional passing threat (something that I have a feeling we may see under Dave Clawson’s tricked-out-offense), and I hope that we end up using Jeff Cottam more in that role to complement and build upon the strengths of this year’s receivers — thereby making the Vols less one-dimensional and tougher to defend against. Either way, it seems to me that — despite losing a gamebreaker like Meachem — the receivers will be much stronger as a unit this season on the whole, largely due to experience and having more than just one go-to receiver. I feel this is especially true considering that, with Jonathan Crompton under center, it is fair to assume that opposing defenses will now have to honor the possibility that No. 8 may come running at them “Straight Outta Crompton” as well as throw to one of the wide-outs.

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The Third Saturday in October, 1995

(14 October 1995)

vs.

Tennessee 41 • Alabama 14

Legion Field

There are a fair number of people in Orange Nation who — ignoring the whole “national championship thing” in 1998 — are of the opinion that the 1995 Tennessee Volunteers may have been the best football team fielded by the Big Orange in the modern era. Regardless of whether they were better than any other team — the 1995 Vols were pretty darn good, and were a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Thus, a few of the games from that season make my all-time list.

It’s probably not all that hard to figure out the first one (No, I’m not referring to the stinkin’ East Carolina Game)

I don’t know that I necessarily agree or disagree with the folks who think the 1995 team is better than the 1998 team. I think there are strong points that can be made for both squads, but hardly settle the issue. After all, who is “best” is really a matter of opinion. This is the sort of debate which leads Basilio to offer his catch phrase of deepest profundity:

“Hmmm …. Interesting.“

Translation: “I really don’t feel like arguing with you about this because I can’t prove you’re wrong, and you can’t prove you’re right.” Of course, some folks love trying to prove their opinions are fact or — at a minimum — are superior to your opinions (”Oh, but I can prove it! Really, I can — with a crayon, a note from my Mother, and this bit of string…” ). The type of people who seem to gravitate toward that sort of behavior are usually a little short on knowledge and a little long on ego which, while annoying at times, is forgivable. The rest are just egomaniacal degenerates, politicians, and lawyers (ugh)…

… but I digress (sigh).

By the time 1995 rolled around Tennessee had managed to keep from beating the Alabama Crimson Tide for nine (that’s right, I said “NINE”) utterly abominable years. To that point, Tennessee had only beaten Alabama four times in my entire lifetime, which — from my perspective — sucked. The Vols came within a hair of beating Alabama in 1993, only to tie (that game was later forfeited to Tennessee due to Bama having offered big piles of cash to their players from 1958 until … well … minutes before the sanctions were imposed. Still, a forfeit on paper is hardly a win.). In 1994, my freshman year on the Hill, another freshman — some Manning kid — didn’t see an open passing lane to James “Little Man” Stewart who was standing in the endzone, all by himself, and practically sending smoke signals begging for the ball on the final play of the game. Victory to the Tide. Needless to say, I — along with every other Tennessee fan — was ready for that streak to end.

The game, like every other Tennessee-Alabama contest played in the state of Alabama from 1932-1999, was played at Legion Field in Birmingham.

If you’ve never been to Legion Field … skip it.

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Wow … all I can say is “Wow.”

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story — a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed – at least to some extent — it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to “clear his name” before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong…

Mindy McCready

Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use “alleged” because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them … oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes — even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person’s love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It’s one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it’s an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete … ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state…

I have never personally witnessed — forget me — the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye … ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don’t hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens’ downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet … I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he’s done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn’t been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on … so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law … hell … gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn’t …

… they will be said to have “Pulled a Clemens”

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

Osama Bin Clemens

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest…

– Go Figure …

*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the “Gate 21″ Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a “Farks”), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

Breaking News…

26 years after its time as the focal point of the 1982 World’s Fair, the final sunset approaches for one of Knoxville’s most famous landmarks.

Speaking on terms of anonymity, officials with the Knox County Building Inspector’s office confirmed late Monday that the results of a recent series of structural evaluations of the Sunsphere call for the immediate demolition of the Knoxville landmark. According to county officials, a private study was recently commissioned in light of escalating deterioration of the Sunsphere. The results of the evaluation by independent engineering firm Simpson, Smithers & Bart, determined that the aging structure is not only unsafe for habitation, but presents a “serious risk of structural failure in the foreseeable future.” The engineering report, which is set to be released on Wednesday at a press conference scheduled by the mayor’s office, cites serious structural fatigue in the primary support stantions, which have already caused the monument to lean approximately 7 degrees to the west.

While the report makes it clear that the Sunsphere is not an “imminent risk to public safety,” due to a series of temporary reinforcements made during the the evaluation process, it goes on to note that the temporary reinforcements are only intended to prevent “systemic failure” prior to the the complete dismantling of the building. The report ultimately recommended that the structure be demolished “with all deliberate speed.“

Apparently fearing a public safety crisis, the City of Knoxville has already directed all occupants of the Sunsphere to vacate within the next 48 hours, and has made arangements for the demolition to commence later this week. Regional demolition contractor D.H. Shoffner has confirmed its crews will begin work on the project as early as Thursday morning, and that, absent unforeseen circumstances, the 600 ton structure is set to be imploded on the morning of April 13. Due to the emergent nature of this project, it is currently expected to cost in excess of $4.1 million. Despite inquiries, the Mayor’s office declined to comment.

As part of the analysis of the Sunsphere’s condition, Simpson, Smithers & Bart developed a computerized model demonstrating the stresses on the structure, and a likely scenario for structural failure. Click video (or link) below to see their analysis.

Sunsphere Structural Analysis

http://gate21.net/wp-content/uploads/Multimedia/Sunsphere.flv

Man, that is scary…

(April Fools)

• Also check out all the fun over at Your Mother Slept with Nick Saban and Now Thinks You’re Utterly Inadequate (Formerly Known as Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain)

– Go Figure …

Images Courtesy of: The Sunsphere is not a Wig Shop & Sunsphere Knoxville

Okay, I admit it — this is a completely irrational rant, but I can’t help it. If any of you SEC fans out there happen to live in the heart of another conference’s “territory” then you may understand. Either way, I am unapologetic about this little rant…

I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is generally a really great place to live — except when it comes to college sports. My house and office are about 5 miles from NC State University. Considering how shitty the Wolfpack generally is in pretty much every sport other than Tiddly-Winks, that isn’t so bad. Widen the arc just a bit more, however, and things get decidedly more annoying. Dook (a/k/a Duke) is about 15 miles up the road, and Tarhead State (a/k/a UNC) is about 9 miles beyond that.

I live in the bowels of ACC Country…

Now, during football season, things aren’t all that bad — basketball season (especially the month of March), however, is a different matter.

There are few things that I dislike more than Tarhead fans. The self-righteous “Whine & Cheese” Smurfs of Chapel Hill have to be some of the most annoying fans in the sports world. Of course, the UNC crowd would claim this is unfair — they would argue that the Dookies are worse. In some ways they might be right — the Dookies are terribly obnoxious, arrogant, elitist, and (on the whole) annoying fans — the key point, however, is that the Dook fans acknowledge that they are this way and, in fact often wear that fact as a badge of honor. UNC fans, on the other hand are generally so elitist that they refuse to acknowledge their elitism.

Duke may be the “University of New Jersey at Durham,” their fans annoying as hell, and a former employer of Steve Spurrier, but I’d still take them over the Tarheads any day — after all, they hired David Cutcliffe…

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am an alum of both the University of Tennessee and the University of North Carolina — UNC School of Law, Class of 2001…

This is not to tout my resume (like anyone would care…), but rather to point out that I have earned my bitching license. UNC is a great school, and I got a fine education there, but I hate the Tarhead fans. I am just so tired of hearing all the Tarhead talk and all the “ACC is the King” crap that I am about to puke…

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A Exclusive

In light of recent developments in both Tuscaloosa and New York, Nick Saban announced this afternoon that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be joining the Alabama Crimson Tide football staff immediately. This announcement occurred on the same day that Spitzer resigned as New York Governor and said good-bye to his Gubernatorial staff.

Eliot Spitzer saying goodbye to his New York Political Staff earlier this morning

Coach Saban introduced Spitzer to the media today at 12:30 pm, only one hour after he resigned as the Governor of New York by saying,

It’s, like, really cool to have such a heavy hitter coming to join us here in Miam … er … Tuscaloosa. I mean, we’ve had some off-field incidents, even I can’t deny that anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but then everyone would realize I’m full of shit.

Anyway, like I said, we’ve had some off the field issues — players causing fights, robbing co-eds at knife point, plotting the overthrow of the government and so forth, so I wanted to bring in someone who could really get tough on things. Immediately, I thought of Eliot, and — who’da believed it — he just happened to be … ummm … in transition. So it’s sort of a win-win situation from where I see it. So, uhhh, here he is.

Spitzer then addressed the media stating that he was thrilled to be offered a chance to join the Crimson Tide staff.

We all are looking for opportunities in life, and when Nick called, I immediately jumped at the challenge to come in and help reform this program. In my past as a lawyer, Attorney General, and Governor of New York, I’ve taken on big business, Wall Street, organized crime, and a whole crowd of street-walking crack-whores. I know that I have both the skills and the commitment to once again return integrity to the Alabama football program. I pledge to this university my promise that I will do everything in my power to see to it that each of the Tide players is accountable for their actions. Oh, and, … uh … I promise I won’t pay for sex anymore….

When asked what Spitzer’s compensation package would include Saban replied “Uhhh, money … oh yeah, and we’ve arranged for him to live with the Tri-Delts here on campus, so I suppose there will be some … err …. fringe benefits involved as well, but we’re still working out the details.“

Several of the members of the Tri -Delta Sorority appeared with Spitzer at the press conference. “These fine young ladies of Alabama have been most welcoming to me, as I have come to town today to take up the mantle of reform once again. I do so look forward to diving into them … I mean … into this project as we move forward.“

Eliot Spitzer commenting on the size of his … err … integrity with several members of the Alabama Tri-Delta Sorority in the background

Spitzer is set to assume the position his role with the Crimson Tide immediately, despite the fact that his wife was quoted as saying that “there was no f***in’ way in hell,” that she would be joining him.

Thus, Alabama looks to the future, and Eliot Spitzer once again finds himself surrounded by thugs, degenerates, and naked women…

– Go Figure …

More Farks on display at Gate 21’s Museum of Farks:

**Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. This article (along with all images contained therein) is a fictional humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”), intended as satire, and does not reflect the views or position of the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

This just in…

Digital Headbutt is reporting that Terelle Pryor Commits to … Duke?!

In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

Read the whole bullshit story over at Digital Headbutt

Meanwhile … on a Hockey related note, Richard Zednik of the Florida Panthers, had his throat slit accidentally during a game, and there is even a YouTube of the incident, which is pretty bloody, as posted over at Two Minutes for Blogging.

WARNING, this is a bit graphic if you are squeamish!!!

Damn, I bet that hurts! I hope he is okay.

– Go Figure …

A Exclusive*

Tennessee Head Football Coach Phillip Fulmer surprised the media early this morning with a press conference announcing the addition of a new “Techniques Coordinator” to the Vols coaching staff.

“Aggressive play is a key component of success in college football these days — in fact, it has always been important.” Fulmer said at the press conference. “I, along with our staff, have increasingly felt that we needed to work on playing more aggressively at the individual level. We’ve been working like heck on this, but felt that it was time to bring in a specialist in this area — if for no other reason than to have a fresh perspective on things. It is for this reason I am extremely excited to introduce new Tennessee Assistant Coach and Techniques Coordinator, Jules Winnfield.”

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