Roger, You’re the Greatest!

Wow ... all I can say is "Wow."

We all knew it was bad when the Mitchell Report came out naming Roger Clemens as a doper, but I figured there was more to the story -- a more complete telling, if you will. It got worse when Brian McNamee started waving around dirty syringes and old beer cans, but I assumed - at least to some extent -- it was simply a ploy for attention by McNamee in hopes of deflecting the pressure that was coming down on him like a ton of bricks. It got downright embarrassing when Roger decided to "clear his name" before Congress. I assumed that was about as bad as it could get.

You know what, I was wrong...

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="134" caption="Mindy McCready"]Mindy McCready[/caption] Roger Clemens, has now passed from the uglier side of sports into the completely absurd, as revelations have now emerged regarding Roger Clemens alleged (and I use "alleged" because I am a lawyer, and I firmly believe that everyone has the right to refute charges leveled against them ... oh yeah, and because Clemens has lawyers too) ten-year affair with Mindy McCready.

Don't get me wrong though, I am not purporting to judge Clemens for supposedly having an affair. If he did he would hardly be the first or the last. People are human; people make mistakes -- even athletes. Far be it for me to act like some moral inquisitor on the issue of another person's love life.

I am, however, judging him for supposedly starting the affair when he was 28 and McReady was 15 years-old. It's one thing to be unfaithful to your wife (bad though it may be), it's an entirely different thing to commit statutory rape.

Good To Go

If all of this is, in fact, true, then Roger Clemens has just passed into legend. He has just won the all-time award for bad behavior by an athlete ... ever. He has cemented his place in the Lecherous Idiot Hall of Fame. He has earned the All-Universe Trophy for Excellence in Dumbassery. He has won the gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Celebrity Career Suicide and Flame-out Olympics.

Oh yeah, he may have also earned himself 15 to 20 years in the service of the state...

I have never personally witnessed -- forget me -- the World has never witnessed such an absurdly meteoric and apocalyptic meltdown of a figure in the public eye ... ever. Forget all the others, Clemens has so raised the bar on crashing and burning that there are no words to even describe it

Even Ron Artest knows you don't hit babies. Even Eliot Spitzer knows you have to check their age before you pay them. Michael Vick never threw puppies into the pit.

Still, it is hard to believe that a few months ago, Roger Clemens was doing cell phone commercials. Now he is untouchable.

A few public figures, however, have commented on Clemens' downfall:*

Joe Namath said:

Poor Roger, everything down the toilet ... I wanna kiss you.

Harold Reynolds chimed in stating:

Look what he's done, and they fired me? All I did was hug the b**ch!

Martha Stewart offered a bit of advice:

Well, I just hope Roger understands what prison life can be like. If it hadn't been for my award-winning recipe for making Jailhouse Hooch, it would have been tough.

Pete Rose probably summed it best by saying:

Those are some pretty long odds to gamble on ... so can I get in the Hall of Fame now?

From this day forward, anytime anyone in the public eye gets themselves in trouble for something insanely stupid, for something violating the code of sportsmanship, gets caught breaking the law ... hell ... gets caught doing pretty much anything they shouldn't ...

... they will be said to have "Pulled a Clemens"

Hopefully, this is the end of the fall for Roger Clemens, not because I feel particularly sorry for him, but because the situation keeps getting more ridiculous. I mean what could possibly come next, tying Clemens to Al Queda?

[caption id="attachment_356" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Osama Bin Clemens"]Clemens and Al Queda?[/caption]

Either way, Clemens will forever be emblematic of the select few amazingly talented people who just pissed their lives away.

When it comes to destroying your entire life, everything you have worked for, Roger Clemens is truly the greatest...

-- Go Figure …


*Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, the quotes in this article are complete crap and are purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. The quotes above (along with all images bearing the "Gate 21" Logo contained therein) are fictional humorous depictions (a/k/a "Farks"), intended as satire, of Roger Clemens and others, and do not reflect the views or position of the the individuals named herein. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with Roger Clemens, or any other individuals mentioned hereinabove. So please don't have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters...

7 Responses to “Roger, You’re the Greatest!”

  • MoonDogNo Gravatar says:

    Absolutely hilarious! I see, in true attorney fashion, you posted the nearly invisible disclaimer. If I weren’t so anal I wouldn’t have bothered to mention it.

    Roger has gone from being a lock for the Hall of Fame to potentially being locked up. Just how far from grace has this guy fallen in the last six months?

    I’ve never seen anything like this. He’s become a blogger’s dream. He’s approaching a status once reserved for Stephen A. Smith.

    Excellent post.

  • ThrowbacksNo Gravatar says:

    I’m a lover of football, just wish it was played all year round, thanks for posting such a good article. I’ll be back to read often now.
    Dave

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