ACC Angst…

Okay, I admit it — this is a completely irrational rant, but I can’t help it. If any of you SEC fans out there happen to live in the heart of another conference’s “territory” then you may understand. Either way, I am unapologetic about this little rant…

I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is generally a really great place to live — except when it comes to college sports. My house and office are about 5 miles from NC State University. Considering how shitty the Wolfpack generally is in pretty much every sport other than Tiddly-Winks, that isn’t so bad. Widen the arc just a bit more, however, and things get decidedly more annoying. Dook (a/k/a Duke) is about 15 miles up the road, and Tarhead State (a/k/a UNC) is about 9 miles beyond that.

I live in the bowels of ACC Country…

Now, during football season, things aren’t all that bad — basketball season (especially the month of March), however, is a different matter.

There are few things that I dislike more than Tarhead fans. The self-righteous “Whine & Cheese” Smurfs of Chapel Hill have to be some of the most annoying fans in the sports world. Of course, the UNC crowd would claim this is unfair — they would argue that the Dookies are worse. In some ways they might be right — the Dookies are terribly obnoxious, arrogant, elitist, and (on the whole) annoying fans — the key point, however, is that the Dook fans acknowledge that they are this way and, in fact often wear that fact as a badge of honor. UNC fans, on the other hand are generally so elitist that they refuse to acknowledge their elitism.

Duke may be the “University of New Jersey at Durham,” their fans annoying as hell, and a former employer of Steve Spurrier, but I’d still take them over the Tarheads any day — after all, they hired David Cutcliffe…

Oh yeah, did I mention that I am an alum of both the University of Tennessee and the University of North Carolina — UNC School of Law, Class of 2001…

This is not to tout my resume (like anyone would care…), but rather to point out that I have earned my bitching license. UNC is a great school, and I got a fine education there, but I hate the Tarhead fans. I am just so tired of hearing all the Tarhead talk and all the “ACC is the King” crap that I am about to puke…

Let me give you an example of how the fans from each of the schools in my area might interact with some SEC fans (or Big Ten fans for that matter):

Tennessee Fan: So I see we might be playing one another in the NCAA’s, pretty cool, huh? I just love what Coach Pearl has done with the program…

UNC Fan: I guess … not bad for a school from the SEC.

Tennessee Fan: What’s that supposed to mean?

UNC Fan: Well, not everyone can get into Carolina…

NC State Fan: (Vacant Stare)

Tennessee Fan: Well, not everyone would want to. I mean, different strokes for different folks.

NC State Fan: Arnold is cool…

Tennessee Fan: I didn’t mean the TV show, I just … nevermind.

UNC Fan: There’s one thing you obviously misperceive, everyone does want to go to Carolina.

Tennessee Fan: That’s a bit of an arrogant and bone-headed perspective

NC State Fan: He said bone…

Smurf Fan: Can’t help it if the truth is tough to swallow. See, you simply cannot understand, unless you had the chance to experience what Chapel Hill — “The Southern Part of Heaven” — is like, and the opportunity to live the dream that is walking into the Dean Dome and seeing Roy Williams and our beloved Tarheels win game after game for old “NCU.”

Tennessee Fan: Uhh, the school is UNC, not NCU.

Blue Man Group Fan: Well, it’s a Carolina thing, you wouldn’t understand…

Tennessee Fan: No, I know all about it — the UNC alma mater — for some reason refers to Carolina as NCU.

NC State Fan: I like ‘mater sammiches…

Tennessee Fan: So how do you explain Dook?

(Moment of Tense Silence)

UNC Fan: Carpetbagging Yankees who couldn’t get into Carolina.

(Guy in purple walks up)

Tennessee Fan: Well they whipped your ass in the “Dean Dome” this year.

Ryan Perriloux: Did some one say “ass”? Been looking for some of that! Anyone here want to buy some of this cash I have on hand for … say 50 Cents on the Dollar?

NC State Fan: You’re pretty.

Ryan Perriloux: Hmmmm… Guess not. Later… the Sixty Million Dollar man has things to do.

(Perriloux leaves)

Tarhead Fan: Typical for an SEC player — no class.

(A few more people walk up)

Tennessee Fan: Like I said, so what about Dook?

UNC Fan: Well, we beat them when it mattered, as always.

Dookie: (yelling loudly) That’s alright, that’s okay, you will work for us someday!!!

Tennessee Fan: That’s pretty funny.

UNC Fan: If you’re a juvenile.

Bama Fan: I remember being in “juvy” when I was a kid. Rough place, but — I have to say ( laughing) — I hadn’t had that much sex since I was a Boy Scout.

(Painfully long pause)

Bama Fan: Uhh, I mean, I was dating a lot when I was a Boy Scout, and … uhhh …

Georgia Fan: Damn Brother, don’t believe I’da told that!

Duke Fan: You’s “Southern people” ah funny. I like you.

Georgia Fan: Eh? Yer talkin’ funny, I think you got some raisins stuck up yer nose.

Duke: Talk some more Southern for me…

UNC Fan: See what I mean.

Tennessee Fan: Well, you’re Southern too, right?

NCU anF: Well, there’s “Southern” and then there’s … ummm … how to say this …

Tennessee Fan: I’m listening…

Tar Paper Fan: … well, “rednecks.”

NC State: Red and Green!! Red and Greeen … Shit! Red and White! Red and White!!!

Bam-uh Fan: Little Boy Blue you got to learn not to talk to people like that!

Tennessee Fan: Calm down now everyone! No need for violence … yet.

Bama Fan: How ’bout ya, Bulldog? You in this with me?

Georgia Fan: Yeah, I’m with you. (cracking knuckles)

Duke Fan: This is great! I can’t wait to tell family in New Jersey I got to see a brawl.

NC State Fan: (Drool)

Tennessee Fan: Now I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it … did you?

UNC Fan: Well, I mean, just look at our tradition at UNC…

Duke Fan: We gots that too … but we did it a lot quicker, by buying it!

Bama Fan: How’d that work for you? We’re kinda’ tryin’ that right now too.

Dookie: Ahh, it’s the best…

Bama Fan: You know, for a guy whose ancestors shot at us, you seem alright…

UNC Fan: Coming from the SEC you have no idea what it is like to be at Chapel Hill, if you had one moment to experience it, you’d see it really is better. It’s the majesty of campus, the Old Well, the clock tower, it’s Franklin Street, the Smith Center, Kenan Stadium, and all our National Championships…

Alabama Fan: What?! You guys only have 4 basketball championships since 1956. In football alone, Alabama has 39 National Titles since 1988, or something like that … I read it on a stadium cup.

UNC-le Fester’s Biggest Fan: Football is an inferior sport …

Dookie: We suck ass at football, but we really could give a shit.

NC State Fan: I think I need to change my underwear…

Tennessee Fan: So you don’t think you’re being just a little bit conceited about all of this?

UNC Fan: Carolina grads aren’t conceited like Duke fans are, we’re just citing the facts…

Duke of Earl: All of you suck! But you’re pretty funny — especially you…

Bama Fan: Who, me?

Duke Fan: Yeah, where are you from?

Bam-Bam Fan: Montgomery, you?

Duke Fan: Newark.

UGA Dawg: Is that near Pascagoula?

Dook Fan: Holy Freakin’ Sons of the Confederacy, what did you call that place?

Let’s Grow Vols Fan: Pascagoula. It’s in Mississippi …

Dookus Fanus Erectus: “Pahss-Kuh-goooo-lah” That’s too funny — you crazy Southern-type drawl’in people…

Tarhole Fan: Don’t be lumping me in with these coots…

Dookie: I wasn’t, I hate you!

Alabama Sons of Katie Elder Fan: Alright, Pretty Boy! I’ve had it with you!

Am I Blue Fan: Uhh … everybody just relax…

10-SC Fan: He’s right, ease back, Bammer!

Dook National Bank, N.A. Fan: Tell you what, you big crazy doughnut-eatin’ Orange guy … I’ll give you $50.00 each to give him a beatin’!

(Long Pause)

Big Orange Army Fan: Did I say relax, I meant “Hulk smash”

(Fisticuffs erupt)

Yeah, I know my attempt at humor sucks, but I just had to vent. I’ll try an post something actually worth reading here soon…

– Go Figure …

About the Author: "Lawvol" -- I'm just a guy living in North Carolina who has an unnatural fascination with the color orange. Just because I'm a Tennessee alum and die-hard Volunteer fan doesn't mean that I can't poke a little fun at the Big Orange and anybody else for that matter. Feel free to complain all you want. >> Read more from this author

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2 Responses to “ACC Angst…”

  • MoonDogNo Gravatar says:

    LOL – Your humor is just fine. I, like Barack Obama, read this but I did not retain it. Therefore, even though I was in attendance during the rant, I am not to be held accountable nor should I be guilty by association.

    Nice scribble.

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