Saban Announces Addition of Eliot Spitzer to Alabama Staff

A Gate 21 Exclusive Exclusive

In light of recent developments in both Tuscaloosa and New York, Nick Saban announced this afternoon that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be joining the Alabama Crimson Tide football staff immediately. This announcement occurred on the same day that Spitzer resigned as New York Governor and said good-bye to his Gubernatorial staff.

Spitzer Saying Good-bye to his Staff

Eliot Spitzer saying goodbye to his New York Political Staff earlier this morning

Coach Saban introduced Spitzer to the media today at 12:30 pm, only one hour after he resigned as the Governor of New York by saying,

It’s, like, really cool to have such a heavy hitter coming to join us here in Miam … er … Tuscaloosa. I mean, we’ve had some off-field incidents, even I can’t deny that anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but then everyone would realize I’m full of shit.

Anyway, like I said, we’ve had some off the field issues — players causing fights, robbing co-eds at knife point, plotting the overthrow of the government and so forth, so I wanted to bring in someone who could really get tough on things. Immediately, I thought of Eliot, and — who’da believed it — he just happened to be … ummm … in transition. So it’s sort of a win-win situation from where I see it. So, uhhh, here he is.

Spitzer then addressed the media stating that he was thrilled to be offered a chance to join the Crimson Tide staff.

We all are looking for opportunities in life, and when Nick called, I immediately jumped at the challenge to come in and help reform this program. In my past as a lawyer, Attorney General, and Governor of New York, I’ve taken on big business, Wall Street, organized crime, and a whole crowd of street-walking crack-whores. I know that I have both the skills and the commitment to once again return integrity to the Alabama football program. I pledge to this university my promise that I will do everything in my power to see to it that each of the Tide players is accountable for their actions. Oh, and, … uh … I promise I won’t pay for sex anymore….

When asked what Spitzer’s compensation package would include Saban replied “Uhhh, money … oh yeah, and we’ve arranged for him to live with the Tri-Delts here on campus, so I suppose there will be some … err …. fringe benefits involved as well, but we’re still working out the details.

Several of the members of the Tri -Delta Sorority appeared with Spitzer at the press conference. “These fine young ladies of Alabama have been most welcoming to me, as I have come to town today to take up the mantle of reform once again. I do so look forward to diving into them … I mean … into this project as we move forward.

Spitzer and Alabama Tri-Deltas

Eliot Spitzer commenting on the size of his … err … integrity with several members of the Alabama Tri-Delta Sorority in the background

Spitzer is set to assume the position his role with the Crimson Tide immediately, despite the fact that his wife was quoted as saying that “there was no f***in’ way in hell,” that she would be joining him.

Thus, Alabama looks to the future, and Eliot Spitzer once again finds himself surrounded by thugs, degenerates, and naked women…

– Go Figure …

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**Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely a creation of the unbalanced mind of the author. This article (along with all images contained therein) is a fictional humorous depiction (a/k/a “Fark”), intended as satire, and does not reflect the views or position of the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Alabama, Nick Saban, or Eliot Spitzer. So please don’t have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters…

About the Author: "Lawvol" -- I'm just a guy living in North Carolina who has an unnatural fascination with the color orange. Just because I'm a Tennessee alum and die-hard Volunteer fan doesn't mean that I can't poke a little fun at the Big Orange and anybody else for that matter. Feel free to complain all you want. >> Read more from this author

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12 Responses to “Saban Announces Addition of Eliot Spitzer to Alabama Staff”

  • prcleburneNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t believe a Vol fan would write about Alabama’s off the field incidents, considering what has been happening lately up in Knoxville. What’s the latest tally of Tennessee football players who have been arrested in the last couple of months? At last count, I think it was 6. However, I admit we both have our share.

  • lawvolNo Gravatar says:

    Well, this article isn’t about Alabama as much as it is about Eliot Spitzer. Be that as it may, I have been highly critical of the Tennessee off-field problems already, going so far as to say that Fulmer should be fired if things didn’t get cleaned up, and not in jest.

    Thus, I feel it’s more than okay for me to poke a little fun at Spitzer using Alabama as the jumping off point. Besides, I showed the whole world a few of Alabama’s most attractive women…

  • Jai EugeneNo Gravatar says:

    Bammers? Last count your team was at 17 for the year. This includes the text book redistribution ring.

  • MoonDogNo Gravatar says:


    “Besides, I showed the whole world a few of Alabama’s most attractive women.”

    They were rented. Eliot has connections, you know.

  • ArrowNo Gravatar says:

    This is dumb. Is this how to amuse yourselves. Look lets try and focus on the up coming season. This thread is stupid to the point it makes no sense. Unless UT fans start taking football serious and respecting other programs we do not have a snowballs chance in hell of winning anything. Kiffin will led us nowhere. Keep making fun of Florida and Alabama the two schools who keep handing our butts to use only to have our fans make jokes. Please shut-up. If this does not stop the Gators and Tide will make sure our lives suck. Go Vols if everyone can act adult.

    • lawvolNo Gravatar says:

      Man, settle down just a bit — you’re being too uptight.

      First of all, this piece was written in March 2008 — almost 18 months ago. It is hardly timely. Furthermore, football is a game and having a little fun is hardly an unpardonable sin. I have poked fun at every program in the SEC and many beyond. This includes Tennessee.

      Obviously, since I spend substantial time, effort, and money to keep Gate 21 operational, Tennessee athletics means a lot to me, but so does having a bit of fun every now and then. Either way, one of the reasons I first started this site was so that I would have a place to write what I pleased without being subject to the “rules” or concerns of others. So, I guess if you don’t like what we have to offer here, I’d point you to some of the other Tennessee blogs on the web (all of which, by the way, also run humor pieces from time to time).

      I understand you don’t care for my little attempt at humor, but lighten up a bit. Life is far too short…

    • Home Sweet HomeNo Gravatar says:

      so let’s be nice to the Gates and Bammers?? yeah, right, that’s really helped us against them the last four years…

      I say screw ‘em. and FWIW this was a great post lawvol…

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