Tennessee Head Football Coach Phillip Fulmer surprised the media early this morning with a press conference announcing the addition of a new "Techniques Coordinator
" to the Vols coaching staff.
"Aggressive play is a key component of success in college football these days -- in fact, it has always been important.
" Fulmer said at the press conference. "I, along with our staff, have increasingly felt that we needed to work on playing more aggressively at the individual level. We've been working like heck on this, but felt that it was time to bring in a specialist in this area -- if for no other reason than to have a fresh perspective on things. It is for this reason I am extremely excited to introduce new Tennessee Assistant Coach and Techniques Coordinator, Jules Winnfield.
Winnfield comes from Inglewood, California, where -- since 1994 -- he has , in his own words, "been wandering like Cain in those Kung Fu movies.
" Having "found
" himself, Winnfield has now decided to return to his roots as a self-proclaimed "Bad Mutha F**ka.
"My job here at Tennessee will be to turn the Vols into some cold-blooded, hard-hittin', bad asses. My mantra is simple: Mess with me, and I'll kill your ass.
" said Winnfield while brandishing a 9mm pistol.
Winnfield is widely respected for his aggressive and tenacious style -- previously as a hired hitman working for Los Angeles kingpin Marsellus Wallace, and now as a football coach. "It's time to roll out the big guns here at Tennessee. We're going to build a Super-fly TNT team of Mushroom Cloud Layin' Mutha F**kas'.
" said Winnfield.
Fulmer noted, "We're very excited about having Jules on the staff here at Tennessee, and hope that he will play a large role in our future success. He has a wonderful work ethic, and has been workin' like heck since arriving. Jules has already been working with some of our players and recruits and I think they've been very receptive to his ... guidance.
In addition to his role as Techniques Coordinator, Fulmer stated that Winnfield will also be in charge of player discipline -- addressing any "poor decisions
" on the part of any of the Vols players. "Jules has already begun handling discipline matters, taking the lead on addressing the issues surrounding Gerald Jones' recent entanglements with the police.
" said Fulmer.
"Yeah, Gerald and I had a 'Come to Jesus' talk. I think I straightened his ass out.
" said Winnfield, "You can just ask him about it.
Jones, who was inexplicably admitted to UT Medical Center with multiple contusions and gunshot wounds was unavailable for comment when contacted by Gate21
. A source at UT Medical Center was unable to confirm the source of Jones injuries, but stated that Jones was currently under heavy sedation, due to hallucinations. Apparently, Jones has been continually screaming out the phrase "Descriiibe what Phillip Fulmer looks like!!!
" as well as the word "What!?
" Jones, is, however, expected to make a full recovery.
This addition to the Vols coaching staff represents a new direction for the Vols, and along with Fulmer's other recent additions to the Tennessee staff is further indication of Phillip Fulmer's willingness to re-create his persona as a coach. "Well, you know we're just workin' like heck to be the best team we can be, and we're sure as heck willing to think outside the box." said Fulmer
By the same token, Winnfield, who is also reported to be currently dating recently divorced Lady Vols Head Coach Pat Summitt, stated that he too was re-inventing himself. He acknowledged he was glad to be back from his "journeys,
" noting his only disappointment from his hiatus from public life was the fact he never made it to Amsterdam. When asked if he was worried about the stresses of serving on the staff of a high profile college team, given his lack of experience and complete unfamiliarity with the rules of the game of football, Winnfield said, "I've seen some f**ked-up repugnant shit in my life, but it's cool. I just kind of think of myself as a shepherd for these young men ... a shepherd with a gun.
- Go Figure …
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- * Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely the result of the unbalanced mind of the author. It, along with the images contained herein are a fictional parody, and are not intended to be taken as fact. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the University of Tennessee or its staff. So please don't have your lawyers send me a bunch of nasty letters...