Damn! Didn’t See That Coming. ESPN (among others) are reporting that Atlanta Falcons Coach Bobby Petrino called Falcons owner Arthur Blank and abruptly resigned on Tuesday — apparently to take the head coaching position at Arkansas. I am not going to pretend that I had any idea that Petrino would be the next “Hogmaster General,” I really can’t say that I am all that surprised. I can think of a number of reasons why Petrino might want to quickly cut out of town on the laughable Falcons.

Let’s see…

First of all there’s the fact that the Falcons … uh … suck. That’s always a good reason to leave. At 3-10, it’s true that they aren’t as bad as the Dolphins … but, then again, who isn’t (sigh … I miss Dan Marino). This whole season the Falcons level of play has been lower than crocodile piss, and with no improvement in sight, I can’t say I blame him for hitting the road.

Then there is the PETA poster-boy Michael “I love my dog” Vick. Vick has single-handedly destroyed any semblance of a team that ever existed in the Falcons’ clubhouse. He is a lowlife who not only engaged in inexcusable conduct, but constantly lied to everyone about the whole damn thing. Of course, maybe I’m a bit naive in thinking he would be honest about running a dog fighting operation under the nose of the FBI. I guess it was fairly unlikely he was just going to come out and say: “Yeah, I did all that shit. Well, I did give that Nun back her rosary, but the rest of that stuff, it’s all true…”

Ahh, but I digress…

Still, last January (when he took the job with Atlanta), I’m sure Petrino is thinking that he has himself a fine quarterback to build his dynasty with the Falcons. As he was wiping the last little bit of garlic-butter sauce off his lips before leaving “Papa John’s State University“ heading toward fame, fortune, and 21 consecutive Super Bowl titles, I doubt that illegal dog fighting was really on his mind. Funny how things can change quickly sometimes. I guess he didn’t want to be “Like Mike” as much as he used to.

Then, of course, there is the fact that for all but the briefest of moments, the Falcons have been a persistent cellar-dweller in the NFL. They have peopled the underbelly of the league almost the entire time the team has been in existence. Their moment of glory? They have the distinction of being the team that even John Elway and the Denver Broncos could beat in the Super Bowl. (Only took him like 43 tries) I mean, for the love of the Almighty, it wasn’t all that long ago that the Falcons were coached by Jerry Glanville — who actually used to leave tickets to every game at the box office for Elvis. So, it’s not like Petrino is walking away from the Steelers of the 70’s; the 49′ers, Redskins and Cowboys of the 80’s and 90’s; or the modern day Patriots. The Falcons have always excelled at sucking.

Then there is the Nick Saban factor…

Ahh yes, good old Nick “Take the credit at LSU for a championship, go to the NFL and run the Dolphins in the ground while making big piles of money, and jump ship to Bama for even more money so you can lose to the Reformed Buddhist University of Southwestern Pascagoula” Saban. Old Nick has set the standard in carpetbagging (as YMSWWC and 3rd Saturday in Blogtober both point out). He has shown all too plainly exactly how much money you can make this way — sweet crazy piles of money. Ignore the fact that he is an average coach at best (except when he’s playing Tennessee, in which case he looks like the second coming of Ivan the Terrible). As much as I used to really dislike the Ole’ Ball Coach Steve Spurrier, I have to give him credit. At least he had the decency to go to the Redskins and take his medicine. His performance at Washington was pretty lousy. Yet, he stayed there long enough to prove that the Redskins’ sucking was not merely a figment of our collective imagination, but was something we could look forward to for years to come. Then after he stayed there long enough to make it look respectable, he left, and sat on the bench for a year before going to South Carolina and Augusta National — he even got to keep all of his piles o’ cash.

Petrino, however, is much more like Nicky-boy — grab the cash and then get the hell out of town. So rather than talk to the owner of the Falcons, he phoned his resignation in. I mean there are still games left in the NFL season (I guess Glanville will be back on an interim basis). Oddly enough, Granny Clampett Holtz did the exact same thing to the Jets back in 1976 — also to go to Arkansas.

Coincidence … or so the Germans would have us think.

Lou “Granny Clampett” Holtz at home with the Family

All my rambling criticisms aside, I can understand completely why Petrino would be dying to go Hog-wallerin’. Still, after the way the Arkansas faithful treated Houston Nutt this past year, he better be careful. It’s one thing to get fired by some overbearing NFL owner for not winning — it’s another thing entirely to take one of those boar tusks the hard way.

— Go Figure … lawvol

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About the Author:  "Lawvol" -- I'm just a guy living in North Carolina who has an unnatural fascination with the color orange. Just because I'm a Tennessee alum and die-hard Volunteer fan doesn't mean that I can't poke a little fun at the Big Orange and anybody else for that matter. Feel free to complain all you want. >> Read more from this author

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